Confessions (Not done and probably will never finish)

I see him standing behind the long black curtain, watching her sing and dance on stage. He doesn’t want her to know and even he himself really doesn’t want to be there, but his body refuses to obey his mind’s commands to go. He’s missing her-still. It’s been eight months since she broke his hear, but he can’t let go.
I sigh and hiss his name. “Zane!”

Startled, he glances quickly over his shoulder, the tension evident in his neck. He relaxes as his mind registers that it’s me and gives a half wave. I raise one of my eyebrows and crooked my finger. He slowly padded towards me, his light brown unkempt hair falling over his blue eyes. He brushes it away while flipping his head to one side.
“How are you?” I ask quietly, taking in the sight of the dark circles under his eyes.
He shrugs. “I’m okay.”
“Just okay?” I didn’t quite believe him. I knew him better than that.
“Yeah. Just okay. I’m tense though. My neck really hurts.” He rubbed his neck and winced.
I give a small smile. “I can ease some of that tension for you.”

He looked indecisive, so I grabbed his arm and we walked to the office located off-stage. I pointed to the floor and he sat down with a sigh. I silently giggled, sat on a chair behind him, his body was between my knees, and I began with a light message on the top his shoulder. He was full of knots, especially on his right shoulder.
“You’ve been drilling again, haven’t you.” It wasn’t a question.
He nods. “How can you tell?”
“Well, you’re extremely tight on your right side, more so than normal right-handed people, and your neck is totally stiff.” I press my thumb and pulled it down, causing him to groan with pain. “Sorry. Does that hurt?”
“Yeah, it does, but don’t stop.” I had stopped; my goal was to help not hurt. “It’s a good kind of hurt.”

That was the answer I was waiting for, so I continued away. At first, It was just a harmless message, but after a bit I started the deep massage, using my thumbs to the best of its ability and everything changed. No one in their sane mind could’ve thought that we were doing was legal and clean if they had walked past the door and heard even the tiniest fraction of the sounds he was making.

It was hardly possible. His moans of pleasure literally sounded like he was screwing someone. I wasn’t really complaining- it wasn’t like I cared, but it started bothering me, the way we were positioned, what I was doing to him, and it just got my imagination going.

I pulled away ever so slightly, not much but just enough to feel a little more comfortable, I never paused in my therapeutic massage. I was hoping he didn’t notice and if he did, he didn’t comment on it. But my mind had plenty to say about the situation.

“Dayna! You shouldn’t think like that! He’s still not over her- you saw that. He’s not ready.”
“Oh shut up!” My other side chimed in. “You know it’ll help him if you tell him, or even better- show him.”
“She’s lying! We understand him and it’s just going to make him feel worse.”I could picture the angelic-me and devil-me glaring at each other. “Arg! Stop!” I ‘mind-yelled’ at them. Except that it was accidentally out loud. He turned to look at me.

Not wanting him to think I was crazy, I changed the subject and blurted out the first question that came to mind. “Why do you torture yourself?” Oh crap. I didn’t mean to say that.
“What do you mean?” He couldn’t focus, my hands were still kneading his shoulders.
“You know- watching her. You’re torturing yourself and she doesn’t care.” I was getting angrier by the second and my hands were expressing it. “Why. Can’t. You. See.?!” Each word was punctuated with a hard dig with my thumbs causing a couple winces. “I’m sorry… I’m taking my anger out on you. Well, it’s suppose to be towards you but I don’t want to hurt you.”

I dropped my hands ashamed of my outburst. We sat in silence until I couldn’t stand my guilt and I couldn’t prevent my hands from moving to his shoulders much longer. My will power was draining by the second and I had to get away from his presence; it’s driving me crazy. I stand up quickly and my head spins from the sudden movement and I grab the doorframe to steady myself.

He looks at me and the world in my mind came crashing- I can only hold onto my feelings for so long and I walked out holding onto the last vestiges of my sanity. I only made a few steps before he stopped me. “What can’t I see?” I took a deep breath and turned around to face him.

I wasn’t planning on answering him. But when I looked at him, his eyes were searching mine for an answer and I hoped it show in mine. I was keeping my mouth from telling him and it was working, but then the “please tell me” that he whispered just wiped away my defense.

I lowered my eyes and very softly whispered, “You can’t see how much more I love you than she ever did.”