The tinkle of the first strands of a song reached my ears like a quiet, flowing stream. I closed my eyes, letting the music sink into my soul with ever breath I take.
I walked into the school, head held high. My senior year was about to begin and I could feel all the wonderful opportunities ready to knock on my door. I was excited at the prospects of the new year. I just couldn't wait for what was going to be the best year, the most memorable one.
I opened my eyes and sighed heavily. I plopped down on my bed, relishing the comfort it offered. Using my thumb, I quickly bypassed the one song that brought back bittersweet memories of him and moved on to the next. Violins and percussion ensnared me and brought a grin to my face. The crescent faded as fast as it appeared as the unhappy memories came trailing in.
I woke up from an uneasy night's rest. My body ached. Bricks weighed heavily on my shoulders. I forced myself to make it to campus- only to be told by an arrogant professor that I was in no condition to audition, and no condition to play period and that I should reschedule. After the musical, band concert and contest, as well as orchestra concert and contest, my body was agreeing; it was falling apart and ready to quit.
I turned over on my side and rolled my shoulders. They weren't any better. I rolled my wrists. They were about the same. I groaned and missed the music I use to make. A strong beat filled my headphones and my fingers tapped along happily. It drew me back to the well of memories.
After nights of tears, hours of countless inner battles, a miracle happened and it finally seemed like life was starting to look up. My heart was ready to burst with joy. My mind couldn't contain its excitement. It was a night of many firsts and it had been a night I would never forget...especially since it ended in tears anyway.
I twirled alone in my room, remembering the fun I had and the few disappointments I had those couple of days, the few hours that had been the climax of my year. It was all downhill from there. Worries of college, a betrayal of the highest kind, and disappointments one right after another. I was just trying to stay afloat until I could get out. I barely made it. O.A.R. blared and it hit me al over again.
I was laying in my bed, trying to calm my anger at being treated like a child. I was so sick at the injustices and I just wanted to break out of there. But the word of the night ended up being "down" instead of "out." Tears fell down my cheeks for an hour until I couldn't breathe anymore. "What's the point?" was the question of the night, a question that my being screamed at the deaf world. I just couldn't hold it together anymore.
My mom is calling me down and as I pulled away from my window, I realized that my face is wet. I wipe away the tears and shake my head to clear it. Right before I took out my headphones, I hear
"If today was your last day, tomorrow was too late, could you say goodbye to yesterday?"
The lyrics stopped me in my tracks. I pondered the question for a moment. Then answer resounding in my being seemed to be a yes. I took a deep breath and walked out of the room satisfied. I was ready for the next chapter of my life.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Locke's Christmas Story
A little girl of four wearing a long white nightgown that reached her toes was sitting in front of fireplace, its flames dancing in her bright blue eyes, while sipping from a mug filled with hot chocolate and tiny marshmallows. Her blonde curls swayed as she inhaled the odor of the freshly baked chocolate chip cookies she had made for Santa. As she enjoyed the scenery of the family room, the beautifully decorated tree with the golden star at the top and the four bright red stockings that had each of the family’s names embroidered on them hanging from the mantel of the fireplace, her older brother ran into the room and plopped down beside her.
“Santa’s not coming and bringing you presents this year.” He taunted. “Locke, you’ve been a very naughty girl this year.” His voice dropped to a low bass imitating Santa.
She frowned and pouted. Her red little mouth scrunched up. “Na uh. Santa’s bringing me lots of gifts. He’ll give me more than he’ll give you because Christmas is my favorite holiday. Santa is my best friend!” Her voice rose to a higher pitch.
The redhead shrugged and gave her a smirk. “Whatever you say, sis. Now hurry up and finish your hot chocolate so you can go to bed. Santa won’t come unless you’re fast asleep.” He ruffled her hair and left.
Locke sighed and carefully fixed her hair. Her hot chocolate quickly disappeared and she skipped to the kitchen with her empty mug. “Mommy! Daddy! Come tuck me in!” She danced around her parents until they stood up. Both put on a smile for their adorable little daughter. As they made their way upstairs, Locke leaned over the balcony railing, curls falling over her small face and stares at the fireplace. “Santa, come soon!” She whispers softly.
Her dad picks her up. “Santa is coming, munchkin. Come on, let’s get you to bed.” He gently places her on her soft bed and covers her with her pink and blue quilt. “Goodnight, sweet pea.” He kisses her forehead and her mom does the same. They turn off the lights and switch on the Christmas lights. The room was illuminated with multi-colored lights, casting everything in the room a different color. Her eyelids flutter shut and she dreams of sleigh bells and Santa.
The next morning, she wakes up and runs down the stairs to find a lot of presents under the Christmas tree. “WAKE UP EVERYBODY!!! IT’S CHRISTMAS!!!” Locke yells and yells until everyone comes downstairs. “Santa was here!” It only confirmed her beliefs that Christmas was the most magical time of the year.
* * * * * * * * *
“Locke! Locke! Where are you, darling?” Her mother called.
“Coming, mommy!” Locke yelled back from her room. A few seconds later, she trotted down the stairs in a pale, pink dress with plenty of lace and ribbon bows. The eight-year old lightly brushed away her perfectly curled dirty-blonde hair from her pale face. She stopped moving in front of her mom who was carrying a big cardboard box full of decorative items.
“It’s time to decorate the Christmas tree.” Her mom told her.
Locke’s face lit up. “Okay!”
They started untangling the rows and rows of lights and it got quite confusing. Locke even managed to get wrapped up in a few strands by accident and fell over. Tears welled up as a slight pain registered in her mind. “Mommy, I don’t want to do this anymore.” She made a sad puppy face.
“Aww… Locke, we’re almost done with this untangling. Then we can start decorating, okay?”
“If we have to.” Locke resigned.
Eventually, they began draping the lights on the tree. She got bored so she threw the lights above the tree to let them fall wherever. Her mom almost stopped her, but after she saw the happiness in her face, she didn’t. The tree looked so funky with all the lights strewn all over and Locke giggled at the sight.
The front door opened and a whirl of cold air came in along with her dad and brother coming back from their sledding trip. “Hi daddy! Hi Mikey! Look at the tree! I decorated it!” Locke greeted happily.
Michael burst out laughing. “Of course you did. The tree looks so funny!”
Her dad had trouble keeping the laughter in. “Be nice Michael. Sweetie, it looks wonderful.”
Locke crossed her arms and frowned. “Thanks daddy. Mikey, say that you’re sorry. “
Michael stopped laughing. “Okay Locke. I’m sorry. The tree looks good.”
She smiled. “Thank you. You guys came home just in time to help put on the ornaments.”
The three of them began putting the plastic balls and ceramic figurines on the branches of the tree. Her mom went to make snacks and hot chocolate. When she came back with a tray with a bowl of popcorn and four mugs filled to the brim with steaming hot chocolate, the tree was almost complete.
Her dad let her climb onto his shoulders to put on the star, the last thing the tree needed. She carefully placed the star on top and allowed her dad to put her down. Michael handed her the light switch as he plugged it into the electrical outlet. She looked at the crazy tree, closed her eyes, and then flicked on the switch. Her eyes slowly opened and she clapped her hands. “Oh the tree is so pretty! I love it!” They enjoyed the snacks and surveyed their work with happiness.
A couple days later, they took their annual Christmas family photo and Locke loved how the tree looked beside them so much that she took a copy of the picture and put it on her dresser. Every time she looked at the picture, her thought was “Oh, Christmas is my most favorite time of the year.”
* * * * * * * * * *
Four years later, on the day before Christmas, Lock was found suiting up in several layers of clothing and a snowsuit and boots with warms gloves and a matching hat. She was preparing for the snowball fight that was important to the rest of the neighborhood. It would be her best friend and her against the meanest family of boys. She looked outside filled with anticipation. “Bye mom! I’ll be back in an hour or so.”
“Alright, Locke. Have fun!” Her mom called back from her room.
She left her house, savoring the sound of the snow being crunched by her boots and went to the huge hilly field where the fight would be held. She spotted her friend Denicee and made her way to her side.
“Hey, hey! Ready to fight?” She asked Denicee eagerly.
Her equally bundled best friend nodded. “Heck yeah. Let’s kick some butt.”
They began stacking snowballs next to their fort, the one they had built the day before. It was an impressive structure. The fort was over four feet high and a foot wide. Their opponents were the cocky neighborhood boys who thought they could rule the world and have whatever they wanted. It was the girls’ chance to prove them wrong.
“Are you silly girls ready to play?” A young boy called out from across the field.
Locke looked over her fort and yelled back. “Bring it on, Cowgirls!” She ducked as one of the boys threw a snowball as a response to the insult. She laughed and so did Denicee.
“Nice one girl. Now let’s kick some butt!” They began hurling snowballs at the three boys. Soon snowballs were flying all over the place. Most missed their marks, but a couple did hit.
It had been agreed upon that if a player got hit seven times, they had to stop throwing and sit out. Whichever team got hit out first lost. So it was important to avoid snowballs. The boys had sloppy aim, figuring that since they had the advantage with one more teammate, they would win. It was their downfall. The girls managed to have a decent aim and a perfect throwing strategy. Soon two of the boys were out and Locke and Denicee were still firing away.
Denicee and Locke sauntered awy and didn't start laughing until they were completely out of sight. "Oh my gosh! That was amazing, Locke! Way to kick his butt!" Denicee clapped Locke on the back who gave her a thumbs up. "That was my goal. So... how bad do I look?" Her friend gave her face a lookover. "Er...it's not too bad. But your cheekbone is a little bruised." Locke felt her left cheek. "Oww!" She hissed. "Only a little? Are you sure about that? Tomorrow, it's going to look like a rainbow. She sighted. They stopped in front of Denicee's house. "Alright, I'll see you. Merry Christmas!" Denicee turned to go up the porch steps. "Yeah, see you. Merry Christmas!" Locke continued on her way home. When she got inside, she quickly took off her botos and coat and hurried up to her room, locking the dorr behind her. She stripped off her layers and then dared to look into the mirror. "Ouch!" She winced. It was already staring to have different colors. She shrugged, dressed more comfortably, and went downstairs to brave the wrath she thought would come. "Locke! What did you do to yourself?" Her mom exclaimed when she saw her. Locke frowned. "The Cowgirls cheated again so Jase and I er... had an argument." To her surprise, her mother laughed. "Who won?" Locke pointed at herself. "Good job. I always told Laurie to keep her boys in line. Hopefully this will make her actually try." Locke smiled. The next day, Christmas morning, Locke woke up to find her cheekbone looking the way it was predicted. She bounded down the stairs to open presents. But her parents stopped her. "Your mother and I have an announcement to make first. Go get Michael." Her dad had said. She went up and shook her dead asleep brother and pulled him out of bed. "Come on. Mom and dad wants to talk to us." Her brother slowly got up. His t-shirt was askew, baring his stomach, his pants were uneven and his hair stuck up all over the place. He stumbled down the stairs and sat besides his sister. Their mom smiled and observed her children. "Michael, Locke, I've got a special gift for you this year. In about four months, you're going to have a new sister." Locke's face broke into a grin and Michael looked quite stunned. They carefully studied their mother and noticed a slight bulge in her stomach under her bulky, loose clothing. Within Lock was jumping with joy. She was excited about all her gifts and just joyful because of the holidays, but she was so much excited about the new sister. "Christmas is amazing! Life is always the best at Christmas." She decided that year. She couldn't wait for the next year with her new sister.
* * * * * * * * *
But Locke's love of Christmas was slowly fading away. Year after year, it lost its magic and joy within her heart. Her family life was deteriorating. Her school life was falling to pieces. There was never anytyhing to look forward to. She was fifting, a rising sophomore, when everything changed. That summer, her family was forced to move due to her dad's job, shifting them to the next town a couple hours away. It was hard to adjust to the new surroundings, new house, and new people. Tension was high in the house all the time. It was just her and her sister Anabel because Michael moved out for college choosing to go the university in previous town. Because he was gone, Locke couldn't hid from the frustrations of her parents. Her mom ranted at her for hours on end on so many topics she couldn't remember them all. And that wasn't the worst of it. Her father became abusive, physically and verbally. Out of the spite in his heart, he would hurt her in secret. No one knew- her mom, her brother, or her sister (she was too young to understand anyway). They didn't have a clue and she didn't dare to tell anyone in fear of the retaliation of her father and the consequences of anyone trying to help that would fall upon her three and a half year-old sister. That Christmas was one of the most miserable days of her life. It had taken her two whole months to perfect her happy mask for this particular holiday. She had to suffer through the celebration dinners with all kinds of people. Everytime, she forced her smile until her face hurt. She made sure her brother never guessed, never knew about her sufferings. Christmas had just been tainted by the red hot anger and abuses of life. "I'll probably never have another happy Christmas." She thought glumly. She longed for the older days, the days of her childhood where everything was still sweet. But it never got better and life was just dragging her down into darkness, step by step. It looked like there would be no end.
* * * * * * * * * *
College came and went. Christmases did the same. And Locke avoided going home as much as possible. But everything changed before Christmas after she graduated. Her dad had left the family suddenly and secretly in the middle of the night. He had wanted to be free from the cumbersome responsibility of being in charge of a family. The loss shocedk everyone. Her mother was affected the most or at least that's what it seemed like outwardly. She couldn't function and od anything without breaking down in tears. From what Locke gathered, her mom should've been glad to see her husband go, but she seemed too distraught and it confused Locke. Michael was unaffected and uncaring. He had gotten married to his college sweetheart the year before and was more engrossed in his new wife then the problems of his family. He was never close to his father anyway. Locke was relieved and overjoyed (inside, of course). The dark shadow of her abusive father could no longer choke her and watch her when she went home for a visit. This freedom was a happy feeling for her. She finally thought that this Christmas would finally be ok. Anabel was a completely different story. She seemed alright to everyone else, and no one was worried about the effects of her father leaving. But inwardly, she blamed herself for him leaving and the cloud of depression was eating at her soul. She had been a happy chile, full of life, and popular in her seventh grade class. Unbeknownst to everyone, she became anorexis and began cutting to escape from her inward pain. Because her mom was lost in her distress, because there was no one else at home, it went unnoticed. That Christmas, everyone came home. Michael and his wife and Locke were in the house. It wasn't the happiest atmosphere, but there was an underlying sense of relief. Except the poison left by her father was still affecting everyone minus Michael. Letters came in the mail Christmas Eve from the missing man who was in some fraom town in another state. Everything happy disappeared immediately.
Michael tossed his, not bothering to open it. Sensing trouble coming, he took his wife to bed early. His mom broke down when she saw the letter for her. Nothing could stop her from crying. Locke and Anabel opened theirs with some apprehension. Locke’s letter read:
To my daughter, who isn’t really mine because your mother isn’t faithful:
I hate you. You have no right being in my life. You have ruined my life completely. I was so happy to see you go to college. You are a reminder to me that I’m a failure. Goodbye. I’ll never forgive you.
Locke was shocked. She wasn’t related to him? It was a mind-boggling, but relieving revelation. Anabel read hers in silence than threw it into the fire. There aws a silence that fell over the room with their mom still crying to herself.
Anabel broke it with a loud proclamation. “I’m glad that molesting SOB is gone.”
Her mother’s head snapped up. “Don’t say stuff like that.”
Locke frowned as Anabel’s words sank in. “He molested you?! Oh my f… I’m going to kill him.” She hugged her sister. “I thought he loved you and hated me and that’s why he’d hit me all the time.”
Anabel looked at Locke with new eyes. “I wasn’t the only one he abused? Wow, what an ass.”
SMACK! A hand slapped Anabel’s cheek. It was their mother. “Stop speaking lies about your father. Just because didn’t like him doesn’t mean you can make up stories.”
Locke pulled off her sweater. “Remember this scar mom?” She pointed to an ugly scar at the back of her shoulder. “He cut me with his wedding ring when he punched me into a wall. I can’t be lying.”
Anabel went over to Locke and traced the scar with her finger. “Oh Locke… I wish he loved me enough to save you from the pain he gave you. But apparently, he hated me because I wasn’t his.”
Locke’s eyes went wide. “I’m not either!”
They smiled. “I’m so glad!” They said together and looked at their mom who was holding her hands over her open mouth.
She was stunned, speechless, shocked beyond imagination. “He…knew…about that?” They shrugged. “Oh I’m so sorry girls. Now I believe you. I’m so sorry… I had no idea. It’s all my fault. I couldn’t see what an idiot he was.”
Her daughters hugged her tight. “It’s alright mom.”
The rest of the night was a confession and bonding night. Locke shared her story of abuse and they all cried together. Anabel told them about her molestation and the effects of the man who ruined all of their lives, namely about her anorexia, and they sobbed for hours. Finally their mom confessed about their real father and for both girls, it was a huge burden off their shoulders.
It ended up being a semi-happy Christmas after all.
* * * * * * * * * *
The next year, Locke went back to her hometown to hang out with Denicee. It had been planned the night after New Year’s to catch up on each other’s life. While talking on the phone with her, Denicee had promised a surprise and good news. Locke was looking forward to it. She drove up to Denicee’s family’s house in the neighborhood she grew up in. Her friend and her family greeted her happily and Denicee took her to the room she’d be staying in.
They decided to take a walk through the snow. Locke rehashed the story of the last Christmas with her family. “Oh that’s very good! Aren’t you happy about it?!” Denicee asked.
“I suppose so. It’s just so weird.” Locke shrugged. Her friend clapped her on the back as her comforting gesture. “So what’s the good news?” Locke looked at her.
“Oh. Well…” Denicee blushed. “I’m engaged to Chase.”
Locke’s face broke into a huge smile. “Congratulations! Are they coming over for dinner tonight?”
Denicee nodded. “They’re all coming.”
Locke laughs. “Wonderful. Awkward dinner with Jase… hahaha. Just what I wanted for Christmas.”
Denicee poked her; her face was serious. “I think you should give Jase a second chance. He’s changed a lot. He’s totally different now.
Locke thought about it for a minute. “Okay.”
“What? Just okay? What does that mean?” Denicee frowned.
“Okay means I’ll give Jase another chance. Clean slate.” Locke stated.
“Good enough.” Denicee replied as they reached the house.
For some reason, as dinner soon approached, Locke was a little nervous. There were little butterflies in her stomach fluttering around. As she was getting dressed, she wondered about Jase, wondered if he would liker or vice versa. She put the final touches on her make-up and went downstairs to help set the table. Soon, the doorbell rang.
Denicee took Locke’s arms and they greeted the visitors together. Chase was the first person through the door and Denicee broke into a huge smile. He took her into his arms and kissed her. Locke glanced at them with some envy in her heart, shook it away, and greeted the rest of the family. Jase was the last one in and when he looked at her, her heart sped up.
“’Ello, Locke.” Long time no see.” His voice was deep and strong.
“Hi Jase.” She looked up into his blue and saw something, something she could put a name to and it bothered her a little bit. Both families had a joyful meeting and Denicee and Chase looked quite love struck with each other.
“It’s almost disgusting isn’t in?” Jase’s voice was right next to her ear.
She jumped. She hadn’t realized that he was beside her. She turned. “Yeah. Pretty sickening to watch.” He smelled like aged cologne and his big, tall, strong, and warm body was right next to hers. When she looked to his face, she found his face only a couple inches from hers. She immediately looked away and made an excuse and hurried to the bathroom to escape. Her heart was hammering in her ears. “What is wrong with me?” She wondered.
When she came to the table, everyone had picked out their seats and only one seat was open between Jase and Denicee. She sighed and took her place. “I hope you aren’t trying to set me up with him.” She muttered to Denicee.
“What?” Her face was innocent, but Locke had a gut feeling that she was. Jase was observing both of them and Locked flashed a nervous smile.
Dinner was loud and lively, but for Locke it was awkward, almost as if they were teens again. She was fully aware of her dinner partner and every move he made. Occasionally their arms would brush and both would blush and turn away. He was always courteous and very polite and it surprised her. She’d sneak glances at him when he wasn’t looking and quickly look somewhere else if he started moving. What she didn’t know was he was doing the same thing too.
After dinner, they retired to the family room to talk and ended up discussing the upcoming wedding. Locke left the room, uninterested at the topic, without being noticed by anyone- except Jase. He followed her out soon after and didn’t see the glint in Denicee’s eyes. He found her on the back porch swinging on the bench staring into the distance.
“May I join you?”
At the sound of his voice, she was startled and looked at him. She nodded, unsure if it was a good decision or not. He settled down next to her, his weight upsetting the balance of the swing causing her to shift oddly. He placed a hand on her arm to steady her. She smiled briefly as a thanks and they sat their in silence.
“So tell me Locke, how has life treated you since you moved?” Jase broke the silence.
She dared to look at him. “It’s been…life with all its ups and downs. How about you?” She didn’t want to talk about herself, he could sense it, so he took the subject change without a fuss.
“It’s been pretty good to me. Right now, I’m just working and saving money. Do you want to hear a funny story?” She nodded. “So once…”
They talked for over and hour, well it was mostly Jase talking, but Locke was at ease and loved his voice. It was soothing sound to her ears. He loved her laughter, it sparked a desire in him to make her smile and laugh all the time. To him, it seemed like life had been pretty difficult on her and he wanted to take her and sweep her off her feet to carry her off into the distance and hide her from the world.
“Looks like they had the same idea as we did.” A female voice spoke from the back door. The two on the bench looked up and saw Denicee and Chase standing in the doorway. Jase gave a sheepish grin and Locke blushed. Denicee laughed and pointed to something above them. Everyone looked up and there, was a mistletoe hanging from the deck rafter. Locke groaned and Jase sighed. He looked at her and she refused to look back.
He placed his hand under her chin and moved her head to face his. He tilted his head and bent over slowly until their lips met lightly. It wasn’t deep nor meaningful, but there was shock of electricity and attraction that they both felt. Their eyes locked and something between them changed. Jase stood up suddenly and Locke almost fell out of the swing due to the loss of his weight and he caught her in his arms. They left the porch without another word and Denicee smirked.
“You’re so mischievous, love. Wonder if they know what you’re up to?” Chase said seriously, though his face had a smile.
Jase and Locke ended up at the front steps of the house. She was cold and shivering a lot. He noticed and put his arms around her. She started to protest, but he put his mouth next to her hair and hushed her. They stood like that for a bit, staring at the stars decorating the night sky. He turned her around and touched his forehead to hers. His eyes searched hers for an answer, any response to him.
He must’ve seen something he was looking for because he kissed her gently. At first, she didn’t respond, but eventually she softened against him and kissed him back. Some primal instinct within Jase threatened to overwhelm him as the sweet taste of her hit his bloodstream. He buried one of his hands in her curls, and the other curved around her waist drawing her closer. He didn’t want to get carried away, so he ended the kiss. Both were breathing heavily.
“Be mine?” He asked huskily and shyly when the world stopped spinning around them. She couldn’t trust her voice so she nodded. It was then she realized that this was Denicee’s surprise- Jase and his feelings for her.
That Christmas, all she got was a gift card, but she figured Jase made up for everything and lots more. For the first time in a long time, she had a glimmer of hope that life would finally be getting better.
* * * * * * * * * *
The next year, Locke woke up Christmas morning to the sun shining brightly through her window reflection of the foot of snow covering the ground. She wrapped herself in her terry green bathrobe to go downstairs and make some coffee. She paused at her small living room where her Christmas tree was residing. It looked different for some reason, but she was still mostly asleep to comprehend it.
The coffee was boiling and the smell was slowly waking her up. She sipped at the steaming liquid, careful not to burn her tongue. When the caffeine reached the bits of her that refused to wake up, she decided to have a second look at the tree. Her padded footsteps were the only sounds she could head and she reached the living room and realized immediately what was different.
There were lights and ornaments decorating the tree. She hadn’t put them there. She had bought the tree and never found the time nor the heart to decorate it. Now the tree was completely covered but there was no star. And there were gifts under the tree more than the two she had wrapped for her boyfriend the night before.
She set the coffee mug down on the table and just stared at the miracle of the tree. She screamed as on of the gifts moved and a pair of boots peeked out behind it. “Who is behind there come out. Now.” Her tone brooked no argument.
“Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!” A deep familiar voice proclaimed from behind the tree as the bristles rustled and a very tall, but skinny ‘Santa’ stepped out.
Locke laughed. “Merry Christmas, Santa! So what id you bring me for Christmas?”
‘Santa’ picked up one of the gifts and handed it to her. She took the box and unwrapped it carefully. Inside lay a gold star, one that held a lot of memories for her. “Oh my! How’d you manage to get the family Christmas star? The one I use to put on top of the tree?” Her face had a happy glow as she remembered the fond memories of being carried by her dad on his shoulder to put it on top.
The blue eyes behind the white beard twinkled and he shrugged and handed her another gift. Locke peeled it open eagerly. It was a locket, a very expensive one, in the shape of a heart with a sapphire in the center. It clicked open and revealed a cute photo of Locke and Jase and an inscription on the other side read, “You’ll always have a piece of my heart. Jase” Her heart sang with joy and her smile stretched from ear to ear. “Aww… Jase is such a sweetheart. He’s laying on the love really thick.”
There were two small boxes left, one blue and one green and he gave the green. She opened up the box and gasped at the beautiful design of a gold four-leaf clover brooch. Around the edge lay the words, “My life was never so lucky until you walked in.” She was about to look up, but she heard him say, “Close your eyes and don’t open them until I tell you too.” She did and was very curious to see what all the noises he was making all about.
“Now open your eyes.” He told her from behind. She opened her eyes and the picture she saw shocked her dumb. The lights and ornaments were lit up and it spelled out two very important words: Marry Me. For a minute, she couldn’t speak, couldn’t move. Finally, her brain got her to turn around. She found Jase, devoid of the Santa costume, kneeling on the ground with a small blue velvet box.
With his fingers, Jase unveiled the contests of the box. It was a stunning single diamond set on a simple silver band. The gem glistened in the light as he took it out and presented it to her. “Locke, I love you with my whole heart. Being with you this past year was incredible and I really want you to stay with me forever. Please, Locke, will you marry me?”
Tears formed in her eyes and she nodded slightly. He slid the beautiful ring on her finger, got up and stared into her eyes. They both felt the connection trying them irrevocably to each other with that gaze and love filled their entire being. He broke the stare, picked up the necklace on the table, and fastened it around her neck, then clipped the lucky charm on her robe. “You are officially the luckiest, prettiest woman alive right now. Oh, and the blue matches with your eyes.”
She smiled and reached up on tiptoe to kiss him. For her, this kiss was a promise, a promise that life would never be lonely again no matter if it wasn’t happy, a promise that meant a new beginning, a new life. It was a kiss of hope. When it ended, she frowned.
“What?” Jase asked concerned.
“Humph… how do I top a gift like that? None of my gifts are that special.”
He grinned at her. “I’ve got an idea.”
She tilted her head. “What?”
“Come on, let’s go!” He pulled her, opening the front door, and taking her outside. She stumbled after him and winced as the bright sunlight hit her eyes. She didn’t have much time to recover when the first snowball hit.
“Jase! I’m going to get you for that!” She grabbed some snow quickly packing it into a ball and threw it at her fiancé. It hit him soundly because her aim was right on target. He growled and stomped over to her.
She giggled and started running away, but she lost her balance in the high snow wearing only slippers on her feet and he caught her and tackled her to the ground. He was on top of her, straddling her legs, and they were both reminded of the fight that happened so long ago, where the situation was different and they started laughing at the absurdity.
He leaned over and kisses her forehead. “I love you. Merry Christmas.”
She grins, completely happy for the first time, looking at the love of her life, her soon-to-be husband, and the craziness of her out in the snow in her pajamas, and replies, “Merry Christmas to you too.”
The End.
“Santa’s not coming and bringing you presents this year.” He taunted. “Locke, you’ve been a very naughty girl this year.” His voice dropped to a low bass imitating Santa.
She frowned and pouted. Her red little mouth scrunched up. “Na uh. Santa’s bringing me lots of gifts. He’ll give me more than he’ll give you because Christmas is my favorite holiday. Santa is my best friend!” Her voice rose to a higher pitch.
The redhead shrugged and gave her a smirk. “Whatever you say, sis. Now hurry up and finish your hot chocolate so you can go to bed. Santa won’t come unless you’re fast asleep.” He ruffled her hair and left.
Locke sighed and carefully fixed her hair. Her hot chocolate quickly disappeared and she skipped to the kitchen with her empty mug. “Mommy! Daddy! Come tuck me in!” She danced around her parents until they stood up. Both put on a smile for their adorable little daughter. As they made their way upstairs, Locke leaned over the balcony railing, curls falling over her small face and stares at the fireplace. “Santa, come soon!” She whispers softly.
Her dad picks her up. “Santa is coming, munchkin. Come on, let’s get you to bed.” He gently places her on her soft bed and covers her with her pink and blue quilt. “Goodnight, sweet pea.” He kisses her forehead and her mom does the same. They turn off the lights and switch on the Christmas lights. The room was illuminated with multi-colored lights, casting everything in the room a different color. Her eyelids flutter shut and she dreams of sleigh bells and Santa.
The next morning, she wakes up and runs down the stairs to find a lot of presents under the Christmas tree. “WAKE UP EVERYBODY!!! IT’S CHRISTMAS!!!” Locke yells and yells until everyone comes downstairs. “Santa was here!” It only confirmed her beliefs that Christmas was the most magical time of the year.
* * * * * * * * *
“Locke! Locke! Where are you, darling?” Her mother called.
“Coming, mommy!” Locke yelled back from her room. A few seconds later, she trotted down the stairs in a pale, pink dress with plenty of lace and ribbon bows. The eight-year old lightly brushed away her perfectly curled dirty-blonde hair from her pale face. She stopped moving in front of her mom who was carrying a big cardboard box full of decorative items.
“It’s time to decorate the Christmas tree.” Her mom told her.
Locke’s face lit up. “Okay!”
They started untangling the rows and rows of lights and it got quite confusing. Locke even managed to get wrapped up in a few strands by accident and fell over. Tears welled up as a slight pain registered in her mind. “Mommy, I don’t want to do this anymore.” She made a sad puppy face.
“Aww… Locke, we’re almost done with this untangling. Then we can start decorating, okay?”
“If we have to.” Locke resigned.
Eventually, they began draping the lights on the tree. She got bored so she threw the lights above the tree to let them fall wherever. Her mom almost stopped her, but after she saw the happiness in her face, she didn’t. The tree looked so funky with all the lights strewn all over and Locke giggled at the sight.
The front door opened and a whirl of cold air came in along with her dad and brother coming back from their sledding trip. “Hi daddy! Hi Mikey! Look at the tree! I decorated it!” Locke greeted happily.
Michael burst out laughing. “Of course you did. The tree looks so funny!”
Her dad had trouble keeping the laughter in. “Be nice Michael. Sweetie, it looks wonderful.”
Locke crossed her arms and frowned. “Thanks daddy. Mikey, say that you’re sorry. “
Michael stopped laughing. “Okay Locke. I’m sorry. The tree looks good.”
She smiled. “Thank you. You guys came home just in time to help put on the ornaments.”
The three of them began putting the plastic balls and ceramic figurines on the branches of the tree. Her mom went to make snacks and hot chocolate. When she came back with a tray with a bowl of popcorn and four mugs filled to the brim with steaming hot chocolate, the tree was almost complete.
Her dad let her climb onto his shoulders to put on the star, the last thing the tree needed. She carefully placed the star on top and allowed her dad to put her down. Michael handed her the light switch as he plugged it into the electrical outlet. She looked at the crazy tree, closed her eyes, and then flicked on the switch. Her eyes slowly opened and she clapped her hands. “Oh the tree is so pretty! I love it!” They enjoyed the snacks and surveyed their work with happiness.
A couple days later, they took their annual Christmas family photo and Locke loved how the tree looked beside them so much that she took a copy of the picture and put it on her dresser. Every time she looked at the picture, her thought was “Oh, Christmas is my most favorite time of the year.”
* * * * * * * * * *
Four years later, on the day before Christmas, Lock was found suiting up in several layers of clothing and a snowsuit and boots with warms gloves and a matching hat. She was preparing for the snowball fight that was important to the rest of the neighborhood. It would be her best friend and her against the meanest family of boys. She looked outside filled with anticipation. “Bye mom! I’ll be back in an hour or so.”
“Alright, Locke. Have fun!” Her mom called back from her room.
She left her house, savoring the sound of the snow being crunched by her boots and went to the huge hilly field where the fight would be held. She spotted her friend Denicee and made her way to her side.
“Hey, hey! Ready to fight?” She asked Denicee eagerly.
Her equally bundled best friend nodded. “Heck yeah. Let’s kick some butt.”
They began stacking snowballs next to their fort, the one they had built the day before. It was an impressive structure. The fort was over four feet high and a foot wide. Their opponents were the cocky neighborhood boys who thought they could rule the world and have whatever they wanted. It was the girls’ chance to prove them wrong.
“Are you silly girls ready to play?” A young boy called out from across the field.
Locke looked over her fort and yelled back. “Bring it on, Cowgirls!” She ducked as one of the boys threw a snowball as a response to the insult. She laughed and so did Denicee.
“Nice one girl. Now let’s kick some butt!” They began hurling snowballs at the three boys. Soon snowballs were flying all over the place. Most missed their marks, but a couple did hit.
It had been agreed upon that if a player got hit seven times, they had to stop throwing and sit out. Whichever team got hit out first lost. So it was important to avoid snowballs. The boys had sloppy aim, figuring that since they had the advantage with one more teammate, they would win. It was their downfall. The girls managed to have a decent aim and a perfect throwing strategy. Soon two of the boys were out and Locke and Denicee were still firing away.
Denicee and Locke sauntered awy and didn't start laughing until they were completely out of sight. "Oh my gosh! That was amazing, Locke! Way to kick his butt!" Denicee clapped Locke on the back who gave her a thumbs up. "That was my goal. So... how bad do I look?" Her friend gave her face a lookover. "Er...it's not too bad. But your cheekbone is a little bruised." Locke felt her left cheek. "Oww!" She hissed. "Only a little? Are you sure about that? Tomorrow, it's going to look like a rainbow. She sighted. They stopped in front of Denicee's house. "Alright, I'll see you. Merry Christmas!" Denicee turned to go up the porch steps. "Yeah, see you. Merry Christmas!" Locke continued on her way home. When she got inside, she quickly took off her botos and coat and hurried up to her room, locking the dorr behind her. She stripped off her layers and then dared to look into the mirror. "Ouch!" She winced. It was already staring to have different colors. She shrugged, dressed more comfortably, and went downstairs to brave the wrath she thought would come. "Locke! What did you do to yourself?" Her mom exclaimed when she saw her. Locke frowned. "The Cowgirls cheated again so Jase and I er... had an argument." To her surprise, her mother laughed. "Who won?" Locke pointed at herself. "Good job. I always told Laurie to keep her boys in line. Hopefully this will make her actually try." Locke smiled. The next day, Christmas morning, Locke woke up to find her cheekbone looking the way it was predicted. She bounded down the stairs to open presents. But her parents stopped her. "Your mother and I have an announcement to make first. Go get Michael." Her dad had said. She went up and shook her dead asleep brother and pulled him out of bed. "Come on. Mom and dad wants to talk to us." Her brother slowly got up. His t-shirt was askew, baring his stomach, his pants were uneven and his hair stuck up all over the place. He stumbled down the stairs and sat besides his sister. Their mom smiled and observed her children. "Michael, Locke, I've got a special gift for you this year. In about four months, you're going to have a new sister." Locke's face broke into a grin and Michael looked quite stunned. They carefully studied their mother and noticed a slight bulge in her stomach under her bulky, loose clothing. Within Lock was jumping with joy. She was excited about all her gifts and just joyful because of the holidays, but she was so much excited about the new sister. "Christmas is amazing! Life is always the best at Christmas." She decided that year. She couldn't wait for the next year with her new sister.
* * * * * * * * *
But Locke's love of Christmas was slowly fading away. Year after year, it lost its magic and joy within her heart. Her family life was deteriorating. Her school life was falling to pieces. There was never anytyhing to look forward to. She was fifting, a rising sophomore, when everything changed. That summer, her family was forced to move due to her dad's job, shifting them to the next town a couple hours away. It was hard to adjust to the new surroundings, new house, and new people. Tension was high in the house all the time. It was just her and her sister Anabel because Michael moved out for college choosing to go the university in previous town. Because he was gone, Locke couldn't hid from the frustrations of her parents. Her mom ranted at her for hours on end on so many topics she couldn't remember them all. And that wasn't the worst of it. Her father became abusive, physically and verbally. Out of the spite in his heart, he would hurt her in secret. No one knew- her mom, her brother, or her sister (she was too young to understand anyway). They didn't have a clue and she didn't dare to tell anyone in fear of the retaliation of her father and the consequences of anyone trying to help that would fall upon her three and a half year-old sister. That Christmas was one of the most miserable days of her life. It had taken her two whole months to perfect her happy mask for this particular holiday. She had to suffer through the celebration dinners with all kinds of people. Everytime, she forced her smile until her face hurt. She made sure her brother never guessed, never knew about her sufferings. Christmas had just been tainted by the red hot anger and abuses of life. "I'll probably never have another happy Christmas." She thought glumly. She longed for the older days, the days of her childhood where everything was still sweet. But it never got better and life was just dragging her down into darkness, step by step. It looked like there would be no end.
* * * * * * * * * *
College came and went. Christmases did the same. And Locke avoided going home as much as possible. But everything changed before Christmas after she graduated. Her dad had left the family suddenly and secretly in the middle of the night. He had wanted to be free from the cumbersome responsibility of being in charge of a family. The loss shocedk everyone. Her mother was affected the most or at least that's what it seemed like outwardly. She couldn't function and od anything without breaking down in tears. From what Locke gathered, her mom should've been glad to see her husband go, but she seemed too distraught and it confused Locke. Michael was unaffected and uncaring. He had gotten married to his college sweetheart the year before and was more engrossed in his new wife then the problems of his family. He was never close to his father anyway. Locke was relieved and overjoyed (inside, of course). The dark shadow of her abusive father could no longer choke her and watch her when she went home for a visit. This freedom was a happy feeling for her. She finally thought that this Christmas would finally be ok. Anabel was a completely different story. She seemed alright to everyone else, and no one was worried about the effects of her father leaving. But inwardly, she blamed herself for him leaving and the cloud of depression was eating at her soul. She had been a happy chile, full of life, and popular in her seventh grade class. Unbeknownst to everyone, she became anorexis and began cutting to escape from her inward pain. Because her mom was lost in her distress, because there was no one else at home, it went unnoticed. That Christmas, everyone came home. Michael and his wife and Locke were in the house. It wasn't the happiest atmosphere, but there was an underlying sense of relief. Except the poison left by her father was still affecting everyone minus Michael. Letters came in the mail Christmas Eve from the missing man who was in some fraom town in another state. Everything happy disappeared immediately.
Michael tossed his, not bothering to open it. Sensing trouble coming, he took his wife to bed early. His mom broke down when she saw the letter for her. Nothing could stop her from crying. Locke and Anabel opened theirs with some apprehension. Locke’s letter read:
To my daughter, who isn’t really mine because your mother isn’t faithful:
I hate you. You have no right being in my life. You have ruined my life completely. I was so happy to see you go to college. You are a reminder to me that I’m a failure. Goodbye. I’ll never forgive you.
Locke was shocked. She wasn’t related to him? It was a mind-boggling, but relieving revelation. Anabel read hers in silence than threw it into the fire. There aws a silence that fell over the room with their mom still crying to herself.
Anabel broke it with a loud proclamation. “I’m glad that molesting SOB is gone.”
Her mother’s head snapped up. “Don’t say stuff like that.”
Locke frowned as Anabel’s words sank in. “He molested you?! Oh my f… I’m going to kill him.” She hugged her sister. “I thought he loved you and hated me and that’s why he’d hit me all the time.”
Anabel looked at Locke with new eyes. “I wasn’t the only one he abused? Wow, what an ass.”
SMACK! A hand slapped Anabel’s cheek. It was their mother. “Stop speaking lies about your father. Just because didn’t like him doesn’t mean you can make up stories.”
Locke pulled off her sweater. “Remember this scar mom?” She pointed to an ugly scar at the back of her shoulder. “He cut me with his wedding ring when he punched me into a wall. I can’t be lying.”
Anabel went over to Locke and traced the scar with her finger. “Oh Locke… I wish he loved me enough to save you from the pain he gave you. But apparently, he hated me because I wasn’t his.”
Locke’s eyes went wide. “I’m not either!”
They smiled. “I’m so glad!” They said together and looked at their mom who was holding her hands over her open mouth.
She was stunned, speechless, shocked beyond imagination. “He…knew…about that?” They shrugged. “Oh I’m so sorry girls. Now I believe you. I’m so sorry… I had no idea. It’s all my fault. I couldn’t see what an idiot he was.”
Her daughters hugged her tight. “It’s alright mom.”
The rest of the night was a confession and bonding night. Locke shared her story of abuse and they all cried together. Anabel told them about her molestation and the effects of the man who ruined all of their lives, namely about her anorexia, and they sobbed for hours. Finally their mom confessed about their real father and for both girls, it was a huge burden off their shoulders.
It ended up being a semi-happy Christmas after all.
* * * * * * * * * *
The next year, Locke went back to her hometown to hang out with Denicee. It had been planned the night after New Year’s to catch up on each other’s life. While talking on the phone with her, Denicee had promised a surprise and good news. Locke was looking forward to it. She drove up to Denicee’s family’s house in the neighborhood she grew up in. Her friend and her family greeted her happily and Denicee took her to the room she’d be staying in.
They decided to take a walk through the snow. Locke rehashed the story of the last Christmas with her family. “Oh that’s very good! Aren’t you happy about it?!” Denicee asked.
“I suppose so. It’s just so weird.” Locke shrugged. Her friend clapped her on the back as her comforting gesture. “So what’s the good news?” Locke looked at her.
“Oh. Well…” Denicee blushed. “I’m engaged to Chase.”
Locke’s face broke into a huge smile. “Congratulations! Are they coming over for dinner tonight?”
Denicee nodded. “They’re all coming.”
Locke laughs. “Wonderful. Awkward dinner with Jase… hahaha. Just what I wanted for Christmas.”
Denicee poked her; her face was serious. “I think you should give Jase a second chance. He’s changed a lot. He’s totally different now.
Locke thought about it for a minute. “Okay.”
“What? Just okay? What does that mean?” Denicee frowned.
“Okay means I’ll give Jase another chance. Clean slate.” Locke stated.
“Good enough.” Denicee replied as they reached the house.
For some reason, as dinner soon approached, Locke was a little nervous. There were little butterflies in her stomach fluttering around. As she was getting dressed, she wondered about Jase, wondered if he would liker or vice versa. She put the final touches on her make-up and went downstairs to help set the table. Soon, the doorbell rang.
Denicee took Locke’s arms and they greeted the visitors together. Chase was the first person through the door and Denicee broke into a huge smile. He took her into his arms and kissed her. Locke glanced at them with some envy in her heart, shook it away, and greeted the rest of the family. Jase was the last one in and when he looked at her, her heart sped up.
“’Ello, Locke.” Long time no see.” His voice was deep and strong.
“Hi Jase.” She looked up into his blue and saw something, something she could put a name to and it bothered her a little bit. Both families had a joyful meeting and Denicee and Chase looked quite love struck with each other.
“It’s almost disgusting isn’t in?” Jase’s voice was right next to her ear.
She jumped. She hadn’t realized that he was beside her. She turned. “Yeah. Pretty sickening to watch.” He smelled like aged cologne and his big, tall, strong, and warm body was right next to hers. When she looked to his face, she found his face only a couple inches from hers. She immediately looked away and made an excuse and hurried to the bathroom to escape. Her heart was hammering in her ears. “What is wrong with me?” She wondered.
When she came to the table, everyone had picked out their seats and only one seat was open between Jase and Denicee. She sighed and took her place. “I hope you aren’t trying to set me up with him.” She muttered to Denicee.
“What?” Her face was innocent, but Locke had a gut feeling that she was. Jase was observing both of them and Locked flashed a nervous smile.
Dinner was loud and lively, but for Locke it was awkward, almost as if they were teens again. She was fully aware of her dinner partner and every move he made. Occasionally their arms would brush and both would blush and turn away. He was always courteous and very polite and it surprised her. She’d sneak glances at him when he wasn’t looking and quickly look somewhere else if he started moving. What she didn’t know was he was doing the same thing too.
After dinner, they retired to the family room to talk and ended up discussing the upcoming wedding. Locke left the room, uninterested at the topic, without being noticed by anyone- except Jase. He followed her out soon after and didn’t see the glint in Denicee’s eyes. He found her on the back porch swinging on the bench staring into the distance.
“May I join you?”
At the sound of his voice, she was startled and looked at him. She nodded, unsure if it was a good decision or not. He settled down next to her, his weight upsetting the balance of the swing causing her to shift oddly. He placed a hand on her arm to steady her. She smiled briefly as a thanks and they sat their in silence.
“So tell me Locke, how has life treated you since you moved?” Jase broke the silence.
She dared to look at him. “It’s been…life with all its ups and downs. How about you?” She didn’t want to talk about herself, he could sense it, so he took the subject change without a fuss.
“It’s been pretty good to me. Right now, I’m just working and saving money. Do you want to hear a funny story?” She nodded. “So once…”
They talked for over and hour, well it was mostly Jase talking, but Locke was at ease and loved his voice. It was soothing sound to her ears. He loved her laughter, it sparked a desire in him to make her smile and laugh all the time. To him, it seemed like life had been pretty difficult on her and he wanted to take her and sweep her off her feet to carry her off into the distance and hide her from the world.
“Looks like they had the same idea as we did.” A female voice spoke from the back door. The two on the bench looked up and saw Denicee and Chase standing in the doorway. Jase gave a sheepish grin and Locke blushed. Denicee laughed and pointed to something above them. Everyone looked up and there, was a mistletoe hanging from the deck rafter. Locke groaned and Jase sighed. He looked at her and she refused to look back.
He placed his hand under her chin and moved her head to face his. He tilted his head and bent over slowly until their lips met lightly. It wasn’t deep nor meaningful, but there was shock of electricity and attraction that they both felt. Their eyes locked and something between them changed. Jase stood up suddenly and Locke almost fell out of the swing due to the loss of his weight and he caught her in his arms. They left the porch without another word and Denicee smirked.
“You’re so mischievous, love. Wonder if they know what you’re up to?” Chase said seriously, though his face had a smile.
Jase and Locke ended up at the front steps of the house. She was cold and shivering a lot. He noticed and put his arms around her. She started to protest, but he put his mouth next to her hair and hushed her. They stood like that for a bit, staring at the stars decorating the night sky. He turned her around and touched his forehead to hers. His eyes searched hers for an answer, any response to him.
He must’ve seen something he was looking for because he kissed her gently. At first, she didn’t respond, but eventually she softened against him and kissed him back. Some primal instinct within Jase threatened to overwhelm him as the sweet taste of her hit his bloodstream. He buried one of his hands in her curls, and the other curved around her waist drawing her closer. He didn’t want to get carried away, so he ended the kiss. Both were breathing heavily.
“Be mine?” He asked huskily and shyly when the world stopped spinning around them. She couldn’t trust her voice so she nodded. It was then she realized that this was Denicee’s surprise- Jase and his feelings for her.
That Christmas, all she got was a gift card, but she figured Jase made up for everything and lots more. For the first time in a long time, she had a glimmer of hope that life would finally be getting better.
* * * * * * * * * *
The next year, Locke woke up Christmas morning to the sun shining brightly through her window reflection of the foot of snow covering the ground. She wrapped herself in her terry green bathrobe to go downstairs and make some coffee. She paused at her small living room where her Christmas tree was residing. It looked different for some reason, but she was still mostly asleep to comprehend it.
The coffee was boiling and the smell was slowly waking her up. She sipped at the steaming liquid, careful not to burn her tongue. When the caffeine reached the bits of her that refused to wake up, she decided to have a second look at the tree. Her padded footsteps were the only sounds she could head and she reached the living room and realized immediately what was different.
There were lights and ornaments decorating the tree. She hadn’t put them there. She had bought the tree and never found the time nor the heart to decorate it. Now the tree was completely covered but there was no star. And there were gifts under the tree more than the two she had wrapped for her boyfriend the night before.
She set the coffee mug down on the table and just stared at the miracle of the tree. She screamed as on of the gifts moved and a pair of boots peeked out behind it. “Who is behind there come out. Now.” Her tone brooked no argument.
“Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!” A deep familiar voice proclaimed from behind the tree as the bristles rustled and a very tall, but skinny ‘Santa’ stepped out.
Locke laughed. “Merry Christmas, Santa! So what id you bring me for Christmas?”
‘Santa’ picked up one of the gifts and handed it to her. She took the box and unwrapped it carefully. Inside lay a gold star, one that held a lot of memories for her. “Oh my! How’d you manage to get the family Christmas star? The one I use to put on top of the tree?” Her face had a happy glow as she remembered the fond memories of being carried by her dad on his shoulder to put it on top.
The blue eyes behind the white beard twinkled and he shrugged and handed her another gift. Locke peeled it open eagerly. It was a locket, a very expensive one, in the shape of a heart with a sapphire in the center. It clicked open and revealed a cute photo of Locke and Jase and an inscription on the other side read, “You’ll always have a piece of my heart. Jase” Her heart sang with joy and her smile stretched from ear to ear. “Aww… Jase is such a sweetheart. He’s laying on the love really thick.”
There were two small boxes left, one blue and one green and he gave the green. She opened up the box and gasped at the beautiful design of a gold four-leaf clover brooch. Around the edge lay the words, “My life was never so lucky until you walked in.” She was about to look up, but she heard him say, “Close your eyes and don’t open them until I tell you too.” She did and was very curious to see what all the noises he was making all about.
“Now open your eyes.” He told her from behind. She opened her eyes and the picture she saw shocked her dumb. The lights and ornaments were lit up and it spelled out two very important words: Marry Me. For a minute, she couldn’t speak, couldn’t move. Finally, her brain got her to turn around. She found Jase, devoid of the Santa costume, kneeling on the ground with a small blue velvet box.
With his fingers, Jase unveiled the contests of the box. It was a stunning single diamond set on a simple silver band. The gem glistened in the light as he took it out and presented it to her. “Locke, I love you with my whole heart. Being with you this past year was incredible and I really want you to stay with me forever. Please, Locke, will you marry me?”
Tears formed in her eyes and she nodded slightly. He slid the beautiful ring on her finger, got up and stared into her eyes. They both felt the connection trying them irrevocably to each other with that gaze and love filled their entire being. He broke the stare, picked up the necklace on the table, and fastened it around her neck, then clipped the lucky charm on her robe. “You are officially the luckiest, prettiest woman alive right now. Oh, and the blue matches with your eyes.”
She smiled and reached up on tiptoe to kiss him. For her, this kiss was a promise, a promise that life would never be lonely again no matter if it wasn’t happy, a promise that meant a new beginning, a new life. It was a kiss of hope. When it ended, she frowned.
“What?” Jase asked concerned.
“Humph… how do I top a gift like that? None of my gifts are that special.”
He grinned at her. “I’ve got an idea.”
She tilted her head. “What?”
“Come on, let’s go!” He pulled her, opening the front door, and taking her outside. She stumbled after him and winced as the bright sunlight hit her eyes. She didn’t have much time to recover when the first snowball hit.
“Jase! I’m going to get you for that!” She grabbed some snow quickly packing it into a ball and threw it at her fiancé. It hit him soundly because her aim was right on target. He growled and stomped over to her.
She giggled and started running away, but she lost her balance in the high snow wearing only slippers on her feet and he caught her and tackled her to the ground. He was on top of her, straddling her legs, and they were both reminded of the fight that happened so long ago, where the situation was different and they started laughing at the absurdity.
He leaned over and kisses her forehead. “I love you. Merry Christmas.”
She grins, completely happy for the first time, looking at the love of her life, her soon-to-be husband, and the craziness of her out in the snow in her pajamas, and replies, “Merry Christmas to you too.”
The End.
Tidal Wave
I'm staring down at the black stage and moving the bight spotlight, just doing my job. I'm trying to pay attention, to concentrate on what I'm doing. But I'm constantly fighting the urge to just leave and let this task transfer to someone else. I want to get away from all of this and I regret that I ever volunteered to do this, but I did everything for her back then.
She's walking slowly and steadily onto the stage and suddenly everything from the past to present knocks my mind off its feet. She's stunning in her costume and perfectly composed unlike the utter turmoil I'm feeling inside. I try so hard not to let the emotions flit through my face and try to keep a stoic face so as not to let the others know what’s going on. Just in case she looks up, she won't be able to see what she's done to me.
As she says her lines, I close off my ears trying not to let her voice affect me. I watch her move around the stage and I follow with the spot light, each step she takes wearing away the ties she's held to my heart and walks farther and farther away from me. I'm losing her day by day, moment by moment and it's just killing me for I can do nothing to stop it.
She's talking with another guy on stage and I wish it was me down there. I wish it was me she was pouring her heart out to, the one that she had had a crush on a long time ago. That was why I closed my ears, that was why I hated this job, because each word brought back memories and feelings that I didn't want to relive with every practice of this scene, of this play.
I would think that I would've gotten over this part of the play, but as I watch it unfold for the umpteenth time, my heart clenches in protest. She's walking closer to him down below and they've just said their last lines. Now they're together and give in to the simple sweet kiss that makes my blood boil in jealousy, but also with the toiling emotions wanting to break free. I switch off the spot light; it's the end of the play; people are clapping and I allow myself to close my eyes and let the craziness within wash over my thoughts.
It starts with just the simplest thought. A simple fact of my life. She is the light of my world. Before her, my life was dark, and I stumbled around, but she made me able to see. She lit up my world whenever she was around and even when she wasn't. Now she's fading away and I'm falling back into that world of darkness. She made my life worth living, and now she's the reason that I want to die.
Then an old memory, my favorite memory, filters in. The day I really first saw her. I'm sure I've passed her in the hall before that day and I'm sure I had some kind of thought about her in my head. But this was the day, I got a chance to really see her beauty in its totality. My first thought was that I was so lucky to have this class with her so I could admire her every day. Not that that thought ever changed throughout the year, but after that thought, I knew she was perfect in every way. I wanted her to be mine even if she wasn't my type.
Then the emotions start flooding my consciousness: love, happiness, hatred, sadness, regret, depression, on and on and on. A constant stream of thoughts, some good, but mostly bad.
The most prominent of these emotions is the sadness in my being quickly followed by regret. Sadness because I knew she was the only one who could complete me. Regret because I hadn't done something right and that it was my fault she was leaving me.
Depression comes after because without her, what am I to do with myself? I am nothing without her in my arms, in my life. She's the only one I will ever love and I can feel it in the depths of my being. That's why love is still within me because I still love her even if she's killed my will to live.
It brings me back to the day she broke my heart and left my poor body crying on the ground. I showed her what I had written for her on the brick wall after she had beaten me to a helpless shell and she just kicked it. It was as if she had shredded my heart after she stabbed me. I suppose it wasn't the smartest thing to show her at that time nor was the right time, but I had to let her know. Not that she cared. That's why there's so much depression, she shoved my love away and bashed it to the farthest reaches of the earth. It hasn't disappeared. It's just smoldering with pain, completely shrouded under my darkest misery.
The memories of happiness are slowly fading away. Memories from a long, long time ago. I treasure those whenever I can find them in this heavy never-ending cloak of my depression. Oh, how I wish I could turn back the clock so we could never stop making beautiful memories. But it's too late for it now. She and I are too far past the point of no return.
As I think back to what I could've done to prevent all this from happening, I feel this hatred toward those friends of hers who did everything they could to sabotage what we had together. Evil, evil implants into her thought process, damaging every good aspect of myself in her mind. It was 'to protect her' they said from me, the supposed self-destructive unpredictable time bomb. That burned my soul to bits when I heard the accusations.
I guess I really am that self-destructive unpredictable time bomb now. I can't think straight anymore because it's just too hard to go on. I'm slogging through every day, slogging through the darkness with the ball and chain around my ankles, weighing me down, sinking me deeper into the quick sand of my depression. I could do anything without a thought, it's no longer a human mind pulling off this life, just a robot with a drive that is ready to explode. The clock inside is ticking down slowly to zero, but no one knows how much time is left- not even me.
I don't know how much longer I can go on with this. Trying to live this pitiful existence. I'm distanced from everyone I use to hang out with. I've got no anchor to hold me steady. I gave up so much for her and I burned the bridge that should now be what holds me down except I gave that up to spend more time with her.
The only bridge left is still burning and there's not enough left to cross on because she's the one that’s burning it, burning, burning, burning. With every day that passes, a piece has crumbled to ashes. I'm left in this island that's only got an abyss of bleakness all around. The choices left are to continue this miserable life alone or to just let myself walk off the edge where the darkness will greet my body with gladness. Oh, the choices to make.
Someone is tapping on my shoulder and I emerge from the tunnel in my mind. I look around and all the people are leaving. I take a deep breath and make my way down the stairs. I plaster the best smile left within to say hi to people I know and it holds until I come close to her.
She pretends she doesn't see me as she chatters with her friends and family. Another blow to my crumbling, dying soul. The smile I have falters a little, but I stride forward as strong as I can, denying her the satisfaction of knowing that I'm hurting inside. I know as I walk past her, she's blocking out the nine months we spent, ignoring the feelings that we had for each other, pretending that we had never met. I wish I could do the same, but she means more to me than that.
As I pass her, I whisper a final goodbye, but she doesn't hear or chooses not to hear. I walk outside and take in my last breath of fresh air, then I'm swept away by this tidal wave of emotions leading me into the black pit of my destruction.
She's walking slowly and steadily onto the stage and suddenly everything from the past to present knocks my mind off its feet. She's stunning in her costume and perfectly composed unlike the utter turmoil I'm feeling inside. I try so hard not to let the emotions flit through my face and try to keep a stoic face so as not to let the others know what’s going on. Just in case she looks up, she won't be able to see what she's done to me.
As she says her lines, I close off my ears trying not to let her voice affect me. I watch her move around the stage and I follow with the spot light, each step she takes wearing away the ties she's held to my heart and walks farther and farther away from me. I'm losing her day by day, moment by moment and it's just killing me for I can do nothing to stop it.
She's talking with another guy on stage and I wish it was me down there. I wish it was me she was pouring her heart out to, the one that she had had a crush on a long time ago. That was why I closed my ears, that was why I hated this job, because each word brought back memories and feelings that I didn't want to relive with every practice of this scene, of this play.
I would think that I would've gotten over this part of the play, but as I watch it unfold for the umpteenth time, my heart clenches in protest. She's walking closer to him down below and they've just said their last lines. Now they're together and give in to the simple sweet kiss that makes my blood boil in jealousy, but also with the toiling emotions wanting to break free. I switch off the spot light; it's the end of the play; people are clapping and I allow myself to close my eyes and let the craziness within wash over my thoughts.
It starts with just the simplest thought. A simple fact of my life. She is the light of my world. Before her, my life was dark, and I stumbled around, but she made me able to see. She lit up my world whenever she was around and even when she wasn't. Now she's fading away and I'm falling back into that world of darkness. She made my life worth living, and now she's the reason that I want to die.
Then an old memory, my favorite memory, filters in. The day I really first saw her. I'm sure I've passed her in the hall before that day and I'm sure I had some kind of thought about her in my head. But this was the day, I got a chance to really see her beauty in its totality. My first thought was that I was so lucky to have this class with her so I could admire her every day. Not that that thought ever changed throughout the year, but after that thought, I knew she was perfect in every way. I wanted her to be mine even if she wasn't my type.
Then the emotions start flooding my consciousness: love, happiness, hatred, sadness, regret, depression, on and on and on. A constant stream of thoughts, some good, but mostly bad.
The most prominent of these emotions is the sadness in my being quickly followed by regret. Sadness because I knew she was the only one who could complete me. Regret because I hadn't done something right and that it was my fault she was leaving me.
Depression comes after because without her, what am I to do with myself? I am nothing without her in my arms, in my life. She's the only one I will ever love and I can feel it in the depths of my being. That's why love is still within me because I still love her even if she's killed my will to live.
It brings me back to the day she broke my heart and left my poor body crying on the ground. I showed her what I had written for her on the brick wall after she had beaten me to a helpless shell and she just kicked it. It was as if she had shredded my heart after she stabbed me. I suppose it wasn't the smartest thing to show her at that time nor was the right time, but I had to let her know. Not that she cared. That's why there's so much depression, she shoved my love away and bashed it to the farthest reaches of the earth. It hasn't disappeared. It's just smoldering with pain, completely shrouded under my darkest misery.
The memories of happiness are slowly fading away. Memories from a long, long time ago. I treasure those whenever I can find them in this heavy never-ending cloak of my depression. Oh, how I wish I could turn back the clock so we could never stop making beautiful memories. But it's too late for it now. She and I are too far past the point of no return.
As I think back to what I could've done to prevent all this from happening, I feel this hatred toward those friends of hers who did everything they could to sabotage what we had together. Evil, evil implants into her thought process, damaging every good aspect of myself in her mind. It was 'to protect her' they said from me, the supposed self-destructive unpredictable time bomb. That burned my soul to bits when I heard the accusations.
I guess I really am that self-destructive unpredictable time bomb now. I can't think straight anymore because it's just too hard to go on. I'm slogging through every day, slogging through the darkness with the ball and chain around my ankles, weighing me down, sinking me deeper into the quick sand of my depression. I could do anything without a thought, it's no longer a human mind pulling off this life, just a robot with a drive that is ready to explode. The clock inside is ticking down slowly to zero, but no one knows how much time is left- not even me.
I don't know how much longer I can go on with this. Trying to live this pitiful existence. I'm distanced from everyone I use to hang out with. I've got no anchor to hold me steady. I gave up so much for her and I burned the bridge that should now be what holds me down except I gave that up to spend more time with her.
The only bridge left is still burning and there's not enough left to cross on because she's the one that’s burning it, burning, burning, burning. With every day that passes, a piece has crumbled to ashes. I'm left in this island that's only got an abyss of bleakness all around. The choices left are to continue this miserable life alone or to just let myself walk off the edge where the darkness will greet my body with gladness. Oh, the choices to make.
Someone is tapping on my shoulder and I emerge from the tunnel in my mind. I look around and all the people are leaving. I take a deep breath and make my way down the stairs. I plaster the best smile left within to say hi to people I know and it holds until I come close to her.
She pretends she doesn't see me as she chatters with her friends and family. Another blow to my crumbling, dying soul. The smile I have falters a little, but I stride forward as strong as I can, denying her the satisfaction of knowing that I'm hurting inside. I know as I walk past her, she's blocking out the nine months we spent, ignoring the feelings that we had for each other, pretending that we had never met. I wish I could do the same, but she means more to me than that.
As I pass her, I whisper a final goodbye, but she doesn't hear or chooses not to hear. I walk outside and take in my last breath of fresh air, then I'm swept away by this tidal wave of emotions leading me into the black pit of my destruction.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Night to Remember
It's the night. The night I've been waiting for. I've been looking forward to this night since the beginning of the year. It's the one thing I've dreamed about for years and it's here. Finally. There's butterflies in my stomach and I just can't keep the excitement out of my smile. It'll be perfect and I know it. I've only dreamed and wished for this for so long, I can't remember wishing for something other than this.
I'd liken this to the Cinderella story without the evil relatives. It's about that magical. This dress I've put on has got to be one of the cutest dresses I had ever seen and I bought it just for this perfect night. The black stretches on forever with the white stripe on the side peeking out starting from my waist and it feels like silk on my skin. It's gorgeous. I'm hoping he likes it too.
Zane. He agreed to be my date and I couldn't believe it. I never thought he would especially since his life is such a mess. Stupid ex-girlfriend. But all in all, I'm happy about it. I keep trying to picture him in a tux and the image just barely escapes me and it's frustrating- I can't picture us at all. I'll just have to wait and see.
My two best friends and I are touching up at one of their houses. I'm fixing both of their hair and it amazes me how many curls there are. One's got uber curly dark brown hair that seems to go every which way, the other with blond curly-wavy hair whose locks of hair fit together like pieces of a puzzle. I'm a little green on the edges because my hair's so straight with its own highlights, but it fits me just fine. I wrap my arms around their waists in the mirror and we pose just for fun. We're beautiful and we know it.
Our dresses complement each other, Locke's midnight blue, Natalia's virgin white, and mine's the black. We make up the sky on a beautiful night with a full moon and stars and it looks like it'll never end. Quiet swirls of silk sound like the wind blowing through trees with the clipping sounds of the barrettes remind me of the crickets from the summer nights. Click! goes the camera for our obligatory mirror picture before the dance and we grin at each other because we love it so much.
The doorbell distracts us and we all run down the stairs to see who's the first of the dates to arrive. "Caden!" Natalia exclaims with happiness. He's spiffed up in a white tux with a black shirt to continue with the midnight pre-dawn theme we've got going so far. Caden's face lights up looking at the pretty scene before his eyes and he gives a shy smile to her. She blushes gently and he reaches for her as she steps down.
I pull out my camera and start snapping away, determined to capture the cute moments. The looks on their faces are priceless and I want them to remember tonight for the rest of their lives. The doorbell rings again. I turn to find Locke's date, Taregan at the door. His lines are sharp and I can tell Locke appreciates the way he looks. For a guy, he looks pretty good in the pale pink, almost white tuxedo we picked for him weeks ago. The tie matches her dress and together, they make a picture perfect dawn.
Natalia's dad herds us outside and begins our prom photo shoot even though my date hasn't arrived yet. I'm not worried about him, he's probably running late and I don't mind. I do some of my own photo-taking, loving every shot I get of my friends. They're all so immaculate and stunning; I savor my ability to capture it. I get my picture taken several times, some by myself, some with the girls. It's an odd experience getting my picture taken so many times because I'm so use to the one taking the pictures, not posing for them.
I'm still waiting for him. I stopped taking pictures, allowing Natalia's father to have his fun with the complete couples. I'm sitting on a bench in the front yard, staring down the street hoping to see him turn the corner. I'm so lost in my thoughts, I don't realize Natalia's dad is just taking pictures of me and Locke and Natalia conferring with each other. I'm trying not to feel hurt, barring the emotions that want to flood my being.
Time passes by, I'm not quite sure how long, but I see his car turn onto the street. I straighten my posture and a small smile creeps onto my face. The butterflies are back in full swing. I stand up slowly as he parks in the driveway and walk toward him as he gets out of his car. He's wearing his black tux and he looks so fine. His brown hair's a mess though and I reach up and begin fixing his hair, but stop as I smell something off kilter.
Something isn't right. My senses are tingling and I'm trying to put a finger on the wrongness. Suddenly, I understand everything, why he's late, why his hair's a mess, and most importantly why he's not focused. I can see in his eyes that he can't concentrate and what's wrong is the smell of his breath. I sigh and shake my head in disappointment. He doesn't move, I don't think he can think straight anymore. I turn and look at my best friends who are completely clueless.
"He's intoxicated!" I hissed.
"What?!?!" Both of them looked stunned.
"I'm smelling alcohol on his breath. There can't be any better proof than this." I whispered.
"I swear, I'm going to kill him when he's sober." Natalia said fiercely.
"Yeah, me too. Count me in." Locke added.
"I'm going to bring him inside and we'll see what to do from there. When's dinner reservations?" I asked Natalia.
She looks at her watch. "In half an hour."
"Arg...." I mutter and take Zane's arm and pull him inside. I sit him down and huddle in the corner with my friends.
"Now what?" Locke asks.
"I don't know." I answer. I can't believe this is happening. Not on tonight of all nights!
"Uh, Dayna... He just fell over." Natalia points to my date, who had really just toppled over onto the floor.
I walk over to him and I'm fighting the temptation to kick him for ruining my night. Instead I squat down, reach around his torso under his armpits and pull him up. Locke lifts his legs and we carry him over to the couch. Setting him down, we make sure he's not in an awkward position, and I place a pillow under his head.
"Alright. Here's what I'm going to do. You guys can go ahead and go to dinner and the dance. I'll stay here and watch him." Unlike the storm inside my mind, my voice was calm.
"What?! You can't not go to prom. Zane's an idiot. You shouldn't have to stay with him!" Natalia exclaimed and Locke nodded in agreement.
"Just because he's an idiot doesn't mean I'm going to leave him here to wake up and not know where he is. Knowing him, he'd freak out and do something really stupid. Besides, it's not like prom will be any fun without him." I ended wistfully.
"Are you sure about this?" Locke looks at me carefully.
"Yeah, I'm sure about this. I'm just going to order some pizza and sit with him until he wakes up."
Natalia shook her head. "You're crazy, Dayna."
I shrugged. "Now get out of here. You've got dinner reservations to make."
They both made more sounds of protest, but they could see that their dates weren't too happy about just waiting around watching the drama unfold. Natalia's dad agreed that it was my best course of action and ordered the pizza for me. I told them to call me if they needed me and to have fun as well as a couple instructions so I wouldn't get in trouble. Then I waved to them as they drove away.
Now alone except for my sleeping date, I sit down in a chair facing the couch and I stare at him. The wheels in my mind are spinning furiously, trying to comprehend why my dream had to be shattered and why he had to pick today to get drunk. I told myself, I wouldn't pity myself and searched through my purse for my Ipod. I plugged myself into my music and just closed my eyes, letting the melodies rush through me.
I listened to a majority of my songs on my Ipod, not caring what they were. I didn't keep track of the time either. All I did was sit there and watch him, silently mouthing the words of the music, comparing them to my life to see if they fit. I get to this one particular song, the song I've been hooked on for the last few months, and I can't help myself. I begin to softly sing out loud.
"Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story
Baby, just say yes
Romeo, save me
They try to tell me how I feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story
Baby, just say yes
Oh oh"
I keep on singing, not realizing that there are tears slipping down my cheeks. My eyes are closed picturing the fantasy in my head. My wish of being loved.
"I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you is fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town
And I said
Romeo, save me
I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you, but you never come
Is this in my head
I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring
And said
Marry me, Juliet, you'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad
Go pick out a white dress
It's a love story
Baby, just say yes
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh..."
The song ends and I just sit there, pausing my Ipod. I can see the dream in my head, the one about this special dance I wanted to go to for so long. I pressed play and the beginning melody from the third High School Musical spills into my headphones. Standing up, I begin swaying to the tune and singing again, this time a little louder.
"Take my hand, take a breath
Pull me close and take one step
Keep your eyes locked on mine,
And let the music be your guide."
I twirl in my bare feet, pretending I was dancing with someone.
"Won't you promise me (now won't you promise me, that you'll never forget)
We'll keep dancing (to keep dancing) wherever we go next
It's like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance (can I have this dance)
Can I have this dance"
A hand appeared from nowhere, sitting on my waist. I stopped dancing and opened my eyes. In the darkness, I could make out the outline of Zane standing besides me. He gives me a small smile, steps away and bows.
"May I have this dance?"
I curtsy. "Yes, you may."
I place an ear bud into his ear, and with the other hand fixing his hair that got ruffled during his nap. The Ipod fell into his pocket while his arm went around my waist and my arms around his neck. We begin to dance, but it was more of a shuffle.
"Take my hand, I'll take the lead
And every turn will be safe with me
Don't be afraid, afraid to fall
You know I'll catch you through it all
And you can't keep us apart (even a thousand miles, can't keep us apart)
'Cause my heart is (cause my heart is) wherever you are
It's like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance (can I have this dance)
Can I have this dance
Oh no mountains too high enough, oceans too wide
'Cause together or not, our dance won't stop
Let it rain, let it pour
What we have is worth fighting for
You know I believe, that we were meant to be
It's like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you (like you)
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do (way we do)
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance (can I have this dance)
Can I have this dance"
The last few notes twinkle away and his hand reaches in to his pocket to stop the music. I look up at him, to find him staring down at me. Our eyes locked in a timeless stare, silently bonding and sharing the emotions we couldn't put into words. It was as if time stopped, nothing moved, there were no sounds. Everything was how it should've been. Just him and me, all alone but together and that's what mattered.
It got so intense, he couldn't take it anymore. "I'm sorry, Dayna. I've ruined your night and it's all my fault." He looked so forlorn and guilty, I had to forgive him. He's been the weak spot in my heart, always have been. He's made up for his mistake already and I'm not so picky it anyway. It's good enough for me. I give him a smile, one that means so much more than I anything I could say, and go up on tiptoe to press a kiss on his cheek. He returns with a handsome grin of his own and wipes away leftover moisture from earlier.
Taking my Ipod, I search through the list and find the perfect song. He chuckles at my song choice and we begin to dance again.
"There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepia tone loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing it's always better when we're together"
We danced and danced and danced from one song to another and another. Over and over and over again. Though happy songs to sad songs to love songs and we enjoyed our time together away from everyone else in a dark house. Eventually we stopped, our legs exhausted from the workout we gave them.
The couch became our resting place. My head on his chest and my legs tucked under myself, my dress spread out making a black silk fan. He had taken his tie off and unbuttoned a couple buttons. His arm was snug around my waist, his head on top of mine. As we sat there, a line came through my head that summed up my thoughts about tonight.
"I just wanna be with you..."
I didn’t realize that I had sang the line out loud until Zane looked down at me and pressed a kiss to my fore head. “After tonight, I do too.” He sighed. “No one else would’ve done what you did tonight. No one else would have forgiven me so quickly. And no one else loves me like you do.”
I looked up at him startled. I had never told him that, at least not to his face. He laughed a little. “I could tell that you did. It’s actually quite obvious.” I was glad it was dark so he couldn’t see me blush. “Except I wasn’t sure how far your love would go. I don’t trust love anymore, especially after you know who. But you proved it and I want to thank you for it.”
There was nothing I could say to that, so I snuggled back against his shoulder after pressing a kiss into it, causing him to smile and his eyes to twinkle. We just enjoyed our time together and just got lost in the comfortableness of being whole for the first time. That was how my best friends and their dates found us and they were absolutely shocked.
For me, it didn't matter that I had to stay back and it didn't matter that Zane had been slightly drunk. I still got my happy ending, though not what I had envisioned. But it was better because it was reality. And hey, I got a picture of that wonderful moment too to remember it so it was three times better. It was definitely a night to remember. :)
You Belong With Me Songfic
From a distance, I watched him plead with his girlfriend, trying to get her to forgive him for the perverted line he had said. She punches his shoulder and he pretends to look wounded with a hurt look on his face. She rails at him for a few more minutes and makes him promise not to do that again. He gives her a half-sincere apology, that she and I know isn’t an actual promise because he’ll do it again anyway, but she accepts it. They kiss, I look away, and when I look back, they’re hugging. He catches my eye and winks at me. I roll my eyes which causes him to give me a toothy, mischievous grin.
“You’re on the phone with your girlfriend, she’s upset
She’s going off about something that you said
She doesn’t get your humor like I do.”
I’ve got my Ipod out with the headphones in and I’m singing to myself. She comes up to me and asks me what I’m listening to ‘cause she’s wants to see what’s so good. I show her the screen, the picture of Taylor Swift staring up at us, and she immediately loses interest, I can see it in her face. She recommends Wicked, the musical, and changes the subject to him. Apparently, she doesn’t understand him, doesn’t understand why he is how he is, and doesn’t understand why he does certain things. She’s coming to me because I’ve known him longer than she has. My answer is vague. I can’t let his secrets go. It’s not my place to tell anyway and I tell her so.
“I’m in the room, it’s a typical Tuesday night
I’m listening to the kind of music she doesn’t like
And she’ll never know your story like I do.”
She sniffs and looks at me like I’m not worth her time. Then she walks away, swinging her long, silky, brown hair, and beautifully shaped hips. I watch her go, glad to see her leave. But I observe her outfit with a photographer’s eye, admiring her high, fur brown boots complimenting her jean mini-skirt and spandex, and the green shirt matched well with her brilliant eyes. I shake off my envy for I know that because she’s a model, she’s always got the right clothes and a haughty attitude to match. I have no desire to be like that.
“But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts
She’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers.”
Later that night, I’m lying on my bed staring at my blank, white ceiling, comparing and contrasting and dreaming. She’s everything I’m not, beautiful, chic, and popular, and can do everything I can’t, act, model, and sing. Secretly I’m wishing that he’d break up with her and go out with me. She’s so shallow even though she does good job acting like she cares. But she doesn’t realize that he’s not like that. He feels emotions deeper than a lot of other people and takes things to heart even though he pretends like it doesn’t matter most of the time.
”Dreaming ‘bout the day when you wake up and fine
That what you’re looking for has been here the whole time.”
In my mind, I’m plotting out my argument, picking and choosing words that I know will get to him. I’m trying to figure out the best way to try to get him to see that I’m a better choice than she is. But in my heart I know I’ll never flat out tell you. I don’t have enough guts to do it. We’ve been so close for years and we’ve got a very peculiar bond. It’s so strong; it’s a weakness in our systems. That’s why I love him, that’s why I’d do anything for him, that’s why whenever it involves him, I have to be there. All I do can do is keep on dreaming.
“If you could see that I’m the one who understands you
Been here all along, so why can’t you see?
You belong with me, you belong with me.”
Now the situation’s different. It’s changed a lot and he’s been affected by all of the mess she’s caused. We’ve become a little closer and have randomly run into each other in the hallway. Instantly we start walking together, just talking about anything, trying to avoid the topic of her. We spend time in the courtyard, sitting in the bench, falling back on our crazy, perverted talking, laughing as we go along. And it feel so right.
“Walking down the streets with you in your worn-out jeans
I can’t help thinking this is how it’s out to be
Laughing on the park bench thinking to myself
Hey, isn’t this easy?”
I remember when I use to see his smile everyday and every time it struck a chord within my heart. That’s a huge reason why I fell as hard as I did. His smile always lit up my day, no matter how dark it had been. It never failed to cheer me up. He’s one of the few people who can bring me out of my worst. Everything’s different now and he doesn’t smile anymore. The look on his face is always dark and brooding.
Everyday, he walks around pretending like he’s fine. He’s not as his ex at acting, but it’s good enough for others, but not for me. I know he’s lying through his teeth. The whole behind this lost smile is his lying, heart-breaking, shallow, abusing ex-girlfriend. Every time I think about it, my blood boils and it makes me wonder.
“And you’ve got a smile that could light up this whole town
I haven’t seen it in awhile since she brought you down.
You say you’re fine, I know you better than that
Hey what you doing with a girl like that?”
When I see her in the hallway, she’s all still very happy. She’s wearing the glow of fake content-ness and nothing how really changed for her. Her friends still love and support her. Her wardrobe is still generous and her heels are even better than before. She’s flirting with more and more guys just to drive him crazy. As I catch her laughter and her endless chatter about the agency helping her with her modeling, something within me wants to turn around and confront her. It takes all of my will to not beat her to pulp for destroying him and tearing down his confidence in life. I pass her by and plaster a forced smile, flicking her off in my mind.
“She wears high heels, I were sneakers
She’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers”
He finds me during lunch and we’re back in the courtyard. He’s sharing another story, one that’s a torture to his soul. He loves her too much and blindly want her back badly. I hold back my criticism and the cruel remark about how she’s so over him and that she doesn’t want him back. But I sympathize with him and try consoling him with words sure though I doing to just hold him, kiss his hurts away, and shield him from the world. He doesn’t, he won’t see the wish in my heart. He’s blinded by the so-called love in his heart and he can’t see that she’s slowly killing him.
“Dreaming about the day when you’ll wake up and find
That what you’re looking for has been here the whole time.”
I even showed him I understood his fights in his mind and he was amazed and shocked by the perception I had. Hope began to blossom inside me, but I was disappointed over and over again. I was frustrated with his narrow-mindedness. She had gained control over his whole mind and he had handicapped himself, placing blinds over his eyes so all he could see was himself and whatever he wanted to see. And me being able to understand wasn’t what he wanted to see. He wanted to be a martyr for love or some nonsense like that. All I could do was continue to ask over and over again.
“If you could see that I’m the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can’t you see?
You belong with me”
I thought I made it obvious enough. I stayed online just in case he needed me even though I pretended that I was there just to be occupied by something. Deep down, all I did was crave a little piece of him. I waited and watched for him when I could. If I got a small opportunity to be with him, I took it and savored it. But no matter what I did, he still was ignorant to my feelings, ignorant of everything except himself. I didn’t understand how he couldn’t see.
“Standing by or waiting at your back door
All this time, how could you not know that?
You belong with me, you belong with me”
He would call me late at night, just to talk out the craziness within himself. There was no one else he could go to. I think somehow in his subconscious, he knew I’d understand, knew that I’d listen, and knew I wouldn’t tear him down. I’m his confidante- his own personal therapist. When he was down in the dumps, ready to give up, ready to let himself go, he’d come to me and pour out his soul, so I could ease his suffering a little bit.
“Oh I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night
I’m the one who makes you laugh when you’re about to cry”
When it comes to him, it’s like I’ve got a sixth sense that knows his feelings. I always know when something’s up. He tells me, he’s okay then all I have to do is give him a look and he’ll spill the story, just like that. I’m usually right when it comes to him. He tells me what he thinks his future looks like and it’s always grim. He say’s he so lost and I know it doesn’t have to be that way. It all depends on him because I’ve done all I can already. I’m just waiting now.
“I know your favorite songs and you’ll tell me all your dreams
I think I know where you belong, I think I know it’s with me”
It just bothers me so much. I ask myself the question over and over.
“Can’t you see that I’m the one who understands you
Been here all along, so why can’t you see?
You belong with me”
I’m waiting for the day he realizes, the day he wakes up. It’s been along time so I’m hoping it’ll come soon.
“Standing by or waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know that
You belong with me, you belong with me”
Has it ever occurred to him at all? I don’t know, but I hope so.
“Have you ever thought that just maybe,
You belong with me, you belong with me…”
New Years Eve
New Year’s Eve found me outside on the mini-balcony of my dorm room, sitting against the wall, looking out over the campus while holding a beer bottle that I took to shut my dorm mates’ whining and wheedling. I had taken a couple sips just to seem like I was getting drunk like the rest of them; the bitter taste definitely didn’t suit my taste buds. Getting drunk was not one of my prerogatives on New Year’s Eve. It would never happen, but my dorm mates would never know, they’d be too drunk to notice.
The evening had started with a party on the floor below my room. The entire dorm was invited due to the fact that not many of us had stayed behind while everyone else went home for the holidays. Half of us had stayed because we had no place to go home to while the other half had no money to go home with. I happened to fall into the first category.
Anyways, for me, parties are awkward social gatherings with too many people, too many drinks, and a ridiculous volume of music, laughter, and conversation. I can’t stand them at all. But since it was New Year’s Eve, I relented to my roommate’s persistent persuading and went with her. I think I stayed for about an hour. It got a little too much for me. Dirty dancing and I don’t quite mix together.
I escaped to my dorm room without anyone noticing to my relief. A sense of peace engulfed my mind as the silence of the room reached my ears. It was a beautiful silence. What possessed me to go outside in the winter weather, I haven’t a clue, but that was where I ended up. My school-spirit hoodie was barely keeping out the cold air and my butt was absolutely frozen after a couple minutes. My brain must not have been working properly because no sane person would’ve been outside.
Not long after I had gotten use to the cold, my thoughts began to wander. It turned to the reason why I was still on campus and they weren’t very happy. I had no where to go for the most part. My parent almost literally kicked me out after I had told them I would be accepting the Minority Scholarship in full which included full tuition, free room and board, and free books. They didn’t want me to move out. But the key word in that sentence was ‘almost’. They gave me permission to stay until July and then I had to move out. It ended up being three long, hellish months.
The day I moved out was my day of freedom. Except that there was a catch to all of it. “You can’t come back while you’re in college. Ever.” Said my parents. Well, that was my mother. My dad just stood by her side, saying nothing, doing nothing except looking at me. I was okay with that catch; I had no desire to go ‘home’ anyway. So I was stuck here in my dorm because none of my close friends cared enough to invite me and save me from my loneliness.
The beer bottle dropped from my fingers and hit the floor, rolling to the railing, clanking and clattering against the metal, effectively breaking me from my train of thought. I made no attempt to save the beer that was draining from the bottle and freefalling to the ground twenty floors below. I didn’t like the drink anyway. I sighed a sigh full of the emotions wanting to burst out from inside me.
The balcony doors below me opened and the loudness of the party that I had left invaded the silence of the night. It made me a little angry. I muttered, “Bet anything that half the girls are so drunk they’re having…” The sound of the door next to me stopped my rant. “Go away. I don’t want to go back to that party.” I didn’t bother to look up. I figured it was my roommate who finally figured that I left and had come to get me.
“I’m not trying to get you to go to a party. I know you don’t like them.” Instead of my roommate’s girly voice, it was a familiar male tone that spoke. I froze. I wasn’t sure whether to believe my ears or not. I felt him settle next to me, but I didn’t look at him as if I feared he would disappear and it would all be a dream if I did. As if he knew what I was thinking, he turned and placed his hand under my chin. “Dayna, look at me. I’m not going anywhere.”
I hesitated for a few seconds, but his hand guided my head and I found myself looking into his stormy blue eyes. As our eyes locked, I felt some of the tension ebb away and I gave him a small smile. “Hi, Zane.” He returned the smile and suddenly, I felt stupid for my actions. But the warmth of his hand that had moved to my neck pushed away this stupidity and befuddled my mind. His eyes seemed to be hypnotizing me, or maybe it was his smile. My heart pounded loudly in my ears and there was a roaring noise crowding my senses that were already overloaded with the scent and warmth of him. My brain managed one word in all of my confusion and questions. “How…?”
He laughed like he knew about my giddy turmoil within, like he knew what he could, would, and was doing to me. And I knew he did, just like I use to know about him. “Denise tried calling you and texting you, but you didn’t answer. She got worried and called me, figuring that I would find you easier than she would. She’s right. Finding you is like finding a piece of myself. Easy.” There was glint in his eye, maybe a twinkle or something, but I couldn’t tell.
I blushed and looked away towards the bright stars in the night sky. It felt so awkward and I began playing with my fingers while searching the sky for constellations. My heart jumped when I spotted a shooting star. I got up quickly and stuffed both of my hands in my jean pockets. With my eyes squeezed shut, I made a wish for the coming year. I opened my eyes and sighed.
“Why did you do that?” Zane chuckled as he stood behind me.
“Has no one ever told you? If you see a shooting star, you have to put your hands in pockets and then make a wish.” I smiled, thinking of my wish.
There was no reply and I gave him a look. With the view of the campus behind him, and the moonlight shining on him, all I wanted to do was to savor the picture forever, but I was trying to stay mad. “What?” I snapped.
He grinned. “You’re cute. And you’re checking me out.” I scowled. “Just kidding, just kidding.” He held up his hands in surrender.
Anything we would’ve said was halted and lost as the music faded away from the party below and people were shouting, “One minute left! One minute left!” We looked at each other and simultaneously moved and hugged. His arms were around my shoulders and mine were around his waist. That’s how we were when the countdown from twenty began.
“20…19…18…17…16…” This was a way better ending to this year than I had thought it would be. “15…14…13…12…11…” I couldn’t have wished for more. “9…8…7…6…5…” Goodbye, old year. Hello new year. “4…3…2…1…0!!!” Cheers and clinking of bottles were heard all over campus.
I pulled a little away from Zane and looked up. Time stood still as he bent his head slowly towards mine. My heart stopped for a moment as our lips met in a cool, brief, but meaningful kiss.
His blue eyes met my hazels and there was the full smile within as he whispered, “Happy New Years, Dayna.”
I lay my head upon his chest, perfectly content, heart bursting with happiness, and whispered back, “Happy New Years to you too, Zane.” No one could’ve asked for a better beginning.
The evening had started with a party on the floor below my room. The entire dorm was invited due to the fact that not many of us had stayed behind while everyone else went home for the holidays. Half of us had stayed because we had no place to go home to while the other half had no money to go home with. I happened to fall into the first category.
Anyways, for me, parties are awkward social gatherings with too many people, too many drinks, and a ridiculous volume of music, laughter, and conversation. I can’t stand them at all. But since it was New Year’s Eve, I relented to my roommate’s persistent persuading and went with her. I think I stayed for about an hour. It got a little too much for me. Dirty dancing and I don’t quite mix together.
I escaped to my dorm room without anyone noticing to my relief. A sense of peace engulfed my mind as the silence of the room reached my ears. It was a beautiful silence. What possessed me to go outside in the winter weather, I haven’t a clue, but that was where I ended up. My school-spirit hoodie was barely keeping out the cold air and my butt was absolutely frozen after a couple minutes. My brain must not have been working properly because no sane person would’ve been outside.
Not long after I had gotten use to the cold, my thoughts began to wander. It turned to the reason why I was still on campus and they weren’t very happy. I had no where to go for the most part. My parent almost literally kicked me out after I had told them I would be accepting the Minority Scholarship in full which included full tuition, free room and board, and free books. They didn’t want me to move out. But the key word in that sentence was ‘almost’. They gave me permission to stay until July and then I had to move out. It ended up being three long, hellish months.
The day I moved out was my day of freedom. Except that there was a catch to all of it. “You can’t come back while you’re in college. Ever.” Said my parents. Well, that was my mother. My dad just stood by her side, saying nothing, doing nothing except looking at me. I was okay with that catch; I had no desire to go ‘home’ anyway. So I was stuck here in my dorm because none of my close friends cared enough to invite me and save me from my loneliness.
The beer bottle dropped from my fingers and hit the floor, rolling to the railing, clanking and clattering against the metal, effectively breaking me from my train of thought. I made no attempt to save the beer that was draining from the bottle and freefalling to the ground twenty floors below. I didn’t like the drink anyway. I sighed a sigh full of the emotions wanting to burst out from inside me.
The balcony doors below me opened and the loudness of the party that I had left invaded the silence of the night. It made me a little angry. I muttered, “Bet anything that half the girls are so drunk they’re having…” The sound of the door next to me stopped my rant. “Go away. I don’t want to go back to that party.” I didn’t bother to look up. I figured it was my roommate who finally figured that I left and had come to get me.
“I’m not trying to get you to go to a party. I know you don’t like them.” Instead of my roommate’s girly voice, it was a familiar male tone that spoke. I froze. I wasn’t sure whether to believe my ears or not. I felt him settle next to me, but I didn’t look at him as if I feared he would disappear and it would all be a dream if I did. As if he knew what I was thinking, he turned and placed his hand under my chin. “Dayna, look at me. I’m not going anywhere.”
I hesitated for a few seconds, but his hand guided my head and I found myself looking into his stormy blue eyes. As our eyes locked, I felt some of the tension ebb away and I gave him a small smile. “Hi, Zane.” He returned the smile and suddenly, I felt stupid for my actions. But the warmth of his hand that had moved to my neck pushed away this stupidity and befuddled my mind. His eyes seemed to be hypnotizing me, or maybe it was his smile. My heart pounded loudly in my ears and there was a roaring noise crowding my senses that were already overloaded with the scent and warmth of him. My brain managed one word in all of my confusion and questions. “How…?”
He laughed like he knew about my giddy turmoil within, like he knew what he could, would, and was doing to me. And I knew he did, just like I use to know about him. “Denise tried calling you and texting you, but you didn’t answer. She got worried and called me, figuring that I would find you easier than she would. She’s right. Finding you is like finding a piece of myself. Easy.” There was glint in his eye, maybe a twinkle or something, but I couldn’t tell.
I blushed and looked away towards the bright stars in the night sky. It felt so awkward and I began playing with my fingers while searching the sky for constellations. My heart jumped when I spotted a shooting star. I got up quickly and stuffed both of my hands in my jean pockets. With my eyes squeezed shut, I made a wish for the coming year. I opened my eyes and sighed.
“Why did you do that?” Zane chuckled as he stood behind me.
“Has no one ever told you? If you see a shooting star, you have to put your hands in pockets and then make a wish.” I smiled, thinking of my wish.
There was no reply and I gave him a look. With the view of the campus behind him, and the moonlight shining on him, all I wanted to do was to savor the picture forever, but I was trying to stay mad. “What?” I snapped.
He grinned. “You’re cute. And you’re checking me out.” I scowled. “Just kidding, just kidding.” He held up his hands in surrender.
Anything we would’ve said was halted and lost as the music faded away from the party below and people were shouting, “One minute left! One minute left!” We looked at each other and simultaneously moved and hugged. His arms were around my shoulders and mine were around his waist. That’s how we were when the countdown from twenty began.
“20…19…18…17…16…” This was a way better ending to this year than I had thought it would be. “15…14…13…12…11…” I couldn’t have wished for more. “9…8…7…6…5…” Goodbye, old year. Hello new year. “4…3…2…1…0!!!” Cheers and clinking of bottles were heard all over campus.
I pulled a little away from Zane and looked up. Time stood still as he bent his head slowly towards mine. My heart stopped for a moment as our lips met in a cool, brief, but meaningful kiss.
His blue eyes met my hazels and there was the full smile within as he whispered, “Happy New Years, Dayna.”
I lay my head upon his chest, perfectly content, heart bursting with happiness, and whispered back, “Happy New Years to you too, Zane.” No one could’ve asked for a better beginning.
Confessions (Not done and probably will never finish)
I see him standing behind the long black curtain, watching her sing and dance on stage. He doesn’t want her to know and even he himself really doesn’t want to be there, but his body refuses to obey his mind’s commands to go. He’s missing her-still. It’s been eight months since she broke his hear, but he can’t let go.
I sigh and hiss his name. “Zane!”
Startled, he glances quickly over his shoulder, the tension evident in his neck. He relaxes as his mind registers that it’s me and gives a half wave. I raise one of my eyebrows and crooked my finger. He slowly padded towards me, his light brown unkempt hair falling over his blue eyes. He brushes it away while flipping his head to one side.
“How are you?” I ask quietly, taking in the sight of the dark circles under his eyes.
He shrugs. “I’m okay.”
“Just okay?” I didn’t quite believe him. I knew him better than that.
“Yeah. Just okay. I’m tense though. My neck really hurts.” He rubbed his neck and winced.
I give a small smile. “I can ease some of that tension for you.”
He looked indecisive, so I grabbed his arm and we walked to the office located off-stage. I pointed to the floor and he sat down with a sigh. I silently giggled, sat on a chair behind him, his body was between my knees, and I began with a light message on the top his shoulder. He was full of knots, especially on his right shoulder.
“You’ve been drilling again, haven’t you.” It wasn’t a question.
He nods. “How can you tell?”
“Well, you’re extremely tight on your right side, more so than normal right-handed people, and your neck is totally stiff.” I press my thumb and pulled it down, causing him to groan with pain. “Sorry. Does that hurt?”
“Yeah, it does, but don’t stop.” I had stopped; my goal was to help not hurt. “It’s a good kind of hurt.”
That was the answer I was waiting for, so I continued away. At first, It was just a harmless message, but after a bit I started the deep massage, using my thumbs to the best of its ability and everything changed. No one in their sane mind could’ve thought that we were doing was legal and clean if they had walked past the door and heard even the tiniest fraction of the sounds he was making.
It was hardly possible. His moans of pleasure literally sounded like he was screwing someone. I wasn’t really complaining- it wasn’t like I cared, but it started bothering me, the way we were positioned, what I was doing to him, and it just got my imagination going.
I pulled away ever so slightly, not much but just enough to feel a little more comfortable, I never paused in my therapeutic massage. I was hoping he didn’t notice and if he did, he didn’t comment on it. But my mind had plenty to say about the situation.
“Dayna! You shouldn’t think like that! He’s still not over her- you saw that. He’s not ready.”
“Oh shut up!” My other side chimed in. “You know it’ll help him if you tell him, or even better- show him.”
“She’s lying! We understand him and it’s just going to make him feel worse.”I could picture the angelic-me and devil-me glaring at each other. “Arg! Stop!” I ‘mind-yelled’ at them. Except that it was accidentally out loud. He turned to look at me.
Not wanting him to think I was crazy, I changed the subject and blurted out the first question that came to mind. “Why do you torture yourself?” Oh crap. I didn’t mean to say that.
“What do you mean?” He couldn’t focus, my hands were still kneading his shoulders.
“You know- watching her. You’re torturing yourself and she doesn’t care.” I was getting angrier by the second and my hands were expressing it. “Why. Can’t. You. See.?!” Each word was punctuated with a hard dig with my thumbs causing a couple winces. “I’m sorry… I’m taking my anger out on you. Well, it’s suppose to be towards you but I don’t want to hurt you.”
I dropped my hands ashamed of my outburst. We sat in silence until I couldn’t stand my guilt and I couldn’t prevent my hands from moving to his shoulders much longer. My will power was draining by the second and I had to get away from his presence; it’s driving me crazy. I stand up quickly and my head spins from the sudden movement and I grab the doorframe to steady myself.
He looks at me and the world in my mind came crashing- I can only hold onto my feelings for so long and I walked out holding onto the last vestiges of my sanity. I only made a few steps before he stopped me. “What can’t I see?” I took a deep breath and turned around to face him.
I wasn’t planning on answering him. But when I looked at him, his eyes were searching mine for an answer and I hoped it show in mine. I was keeping my mouth from telling him and it was working, but then the “please tell me” that he whispered just wiped away my defense.
I lowered my eyes and very softly whispered, “You can’t see how much more I love you than she ever did.”
I sigh and hiss his name. “Zane!”
Startled, he glances quickly over his shoulder, the tension evident in his neck. He relaxes as his mind registers that it’s me and gives a half wave. I raise one of my eyebrows and crooked my finger. He slowly padded towards me, his light brown unkempt hair falling over his blue eyes. He brushes it away while flipping his head to one side.
“How are you?” I ask quietly, taking in the sight of the dark circles under his eyes.
He shrugs. “I’m okay.”
“Just okay?” I didn’t quite believe him. I knew him better than that.
“Yeah. Just okay. I’m tense though. My neck really hurts.” He rubbed his neck and winced.
I give a small smile. “I can ease some of that tension for you.”
He looked indecisive, so I grabbed his arm and we walked to the office located off-stage. I pointed to the floor and he sat down with a sigh. I silently giggled, sat on a chair behind him, his body was between my knees, and I began with a light message on the top his shoulder. He was full of knots, especially on his right shoulder.
“You’ve been drilling again, haven’t you.” It wasn’t a question.
He nods. “How can you tell?”
“Well, you’re extremely tight on your right side, more so than normal right-handed people, and your neck is totally stiff.” I press my thumb and pulled it down, causing him to groan with pain. “Sorry. Does that hurt?”
“Yeah, it does, but don’t stop.” I had stopped; my goal was to help not hurt. “It’s a good kind of hurt.”
That was the answer I was waiting for, so I continued away. At first, It was just a harmless message, but after a bit I started the deep massage, using my thumbs to the best of its ability and everything changed. No one in their sane mind could’ve thought that we were doing was legal and clean if they had walked past the door and heard even the tiniest fraction of the sounds he was making.
It was hardly possible. His moans of pleasure literally sounded like he was screwing someone. I wasn’t really complaining- it wasn’t like I cared, but it started bothering me, the way we were positioned, what I was doing to him, and it just got my imagination going.
I pulled away ever so slightly, not much but just enough to feel a little more comfortable, I never paused in my therapeutic massage. I was hoping he didn’t notice and if he did, he didn’t comment on it. But my mind had plenty to say about the situation.
“Dayna! You shouldn’t think like that! He’s still not over her- you saw that. He’s not ready.”
“Oh shut up!” My other side chimed in. “You know it’ll help him if you tell him, or even better- show him.”
“She’s lying! We understand him and it’s just going to make him feel worse.”I could picture the angelic-me and devil-me glaring at each other. “Arg! Stop!” I ‘mind-yelled’ at them. Except that it was accidentally out loud. He turned to look at me.
Not wanting him to think I was crazy, I changed the subject and blurted out the first question that came to mind. “Why do you torture yourself?” Oh crap. I didn’t mean to say that.
“What do you mean?” He couldn’t focus, my hands were still kneading his shoulders.
“You know- watching her. You’re torturing yourself and she doesn’t care.” I was getting angrier by the second and my hands were expressing it. “Why. Can’t. You. See.?!” Each word was punctuated with a hard dig with my thumbs causing a couple winces. “I’m sorry… I’m taking my anger out on you. Well, it’s suppose to be towards you but I don’t want to hurt you.”
I dropped my hands ashamed of my outburst. We sat in silence until I couldn’t stand my guilt and I couldn’t prevent my hands from moving to his shoulders much longer. My will power was draining by the second and I had to get away from his presence; it’s driving me crazy. I stand up quickly and my head spins from the sudden movement and I grab the doorframe to steady myself.
He looks at me and the world in my mind came crashing- I can only hold onto my feelings for so long and I walked out holding onto the last vestiges of my sanity. I only made a few steps before he stopped me. “What can’t I see?” I took a deep breath and turned around to face him.
I wasn’t planning on answering him. But when I looked at him, his eyes were searching mine for an answer and I hoped it show in mine. I was keeping my mouth from telling him and it was working, but then the “please tell me” that he whispered just wiped away my defense.
I lowered my eyes and very softly whispered, “You can’t see how much more I love you than she ever did.”
Breathe Songfic
Looking in my rearview mirror, I watch her house shrink as I move away from it, away from her, away from the last eight months of my life. It wasn’t easy to just leave. It took almost my entire will to continue my car in the direction it was taking instead of turning around, kneeling before her and begging her to change her mind. I couldn’t keep my mind on the road, couldn’t keep my mind off of what just happened. It got so bad that I turned on the radio to some random country channel so I could just rant at myself about the horrendous ‘southern’ twangs and ridiculous lyrics.
“Thank you for listening to the station that brings you the best country music. Next up is Taylor Swift!” A bright voice booms from the radio. I shake my head in disbelief that I would ever voluntarily torture myself, but it was imperative to get away from the insane cacophony playing in my mind. Strands of guitar playing reach my ears, and it was too soft so I jacked up the volume. The strumming of strings suddenly exploded in my car and I nodded. This was exactly what I wanted.
I see your face in my mind as I drive away, ’Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way. People are people, And sometimes we change our minds. But it’s killing me to see you go after all this time. Mmm mmm mmm Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm Mmm mmm mmm Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
I sit up straight and pull over to the side of the road. I rubbed my ears. I wasn’t sure if I had heard the words right and I really wanted to make sure it was for real. I furrowed my eyebrows and sat there, carefully listening.
Music starts playing like the end of a sad movie, It’s the kinda ending you don’t really wanna see. Cause it’s tragedy and it’ll only bring you down, Now I don’t know what to be without you around.
My heart stopped beating as the words sank into my being. It said everything I felt that I couldn’t put into words myself. I missed her and I was only a minute from her house.
And we know it's never simple, never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand
I remembered her long, silky, brown hair flowing down her back; the piercing blue eyes that could still melt my heart; the small, lithe, curvy body that fit with mine- the one that I knew about as well as I knew my own. She was the one who could keep me from my insanity and keep me from falling apart. And now she’s gone.
And I can't breathe Without you, but I have to Breathe Without you, but I have to
I knew that I’d love her even until I died. Every breath I took, I loved her with. I would’ve done anything for her. I would’ve died for her. Still would actually. I would’ve done anything to keep her happy, anything to save her from the evil in the world. Right now, my mind was going on a withdrawal without her. Could I do it?
Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt. Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve. People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out. Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out
My eyes close and in my mind I can see the tears falling from her eyes and hear her voice telling me how she couldn’t take the pressure and the pain any longer. Every word she said burned my soul, damning me further, pushing me toward the gateway of my own personal hell. I guess my trying to avoid problems with you wasn’t good enough. And there’s nothing I can do or say that’ll bring us back to what we were, to the times where love was life and there was nothing else. Every second I’m away from you now is another second of our fading love.
And we know it's never simple, never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save meYou're the only thing I know like the back of my hand. And I can't breathe Without you, but I have to Breathe Without you, but I have to
Can I? Can I? I’m not sure if I could live without her. Breathing wasn’t possible except with her and her love. So, maybe living isn’t an option anymore. Living without her was a Mt. Everest- an impossible feat. Should I even try?
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend. Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me. It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend. Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me. And we know it's never simple, never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh
I don’t think she has a clue how much it hurts. As I’m sitting here just watching life pass me by, letting the depression overflow my mind, it’s hard to feel the pain. It’s like going through life without a leg or an arm- it’s obvious something is missing. I not only lost a girlfriend today; I lost my best friend; I lost the love of my life; and not just those, I lost my reason and will to live and continue going on in this awful world.
I can't breathe Without you, but I have to Breathe Without you, but I have to Breathe Without you, but I have to
I start my car, pull off the side of the road and speed down the street going way past the speed limit. I don’t care if I get pulled over, I don’t care if I get in trouble. I’ve got one goal in mind. The realization of what I’m doing really doesn’t hit me until I go to my room. But by then it’s too late because I’ve made up my mind. The song just keeps running through my head.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I go digging through my drawers, trying to find my salvation. And when I find it, the coolness of it calms me down. I lift it up and close my eyes. All I can think is: I won’t have to.
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